Q: What tips do you think all submissives need to hear, in your experience?
from formspring.me … courtesy of Nadia West
Take. Your. Time.
BDSM isnâ€™t going anywhere. You donâ€™t have to prove anything to anyone, and waiting is just fine. Plunging in headfirst is awesome, until it isnâ€™t. Think of it this way: sure, the first dominant who wants to tie you up and beat you might be awesome. But the 9th dominant you meet might be a better match, and if the first one puts you off your path, or is a jerk, and you say â€œWow, I wish Iâ€™d waited until I had more time to vet people!â€ you canâ€™t undo that shit.
Trust Your Gut.
Being kinky shouldnâ€™t reset a lifetime of experiences. If something doesnâ€™t feel right, and you hear â€œOH, but thatâ€™s just how it is done!â€ then fuck how it is done. You are here to get your needs met, not to walk blindly into something just because someone else says it is so.
Make friends with other submissives. Make friends with switches. Make friend with tops and doms. And I mean platonic friends. People who arenâ€™t out to get in your pants. Folks you can trust for feedback, who are connected in the community, who donâ€™t have ulterior motives for telling you things that might not be in your best interest.
Read everything with a grain of salt.
I donâ€™t care who the fuck said it or wrote it. If it doesnâ€™t resonate for you, take note, and put it aside. Nothing is law. Just because someoneâ€™s written 13 books and taught classes all over the world, or is the Big Mucky Muck of the Local Community doesnâ€™t mean they donâ€™t fuck shit up or have skeletons in their toybag. Donâ€™t assume you are safe because the person to whom you areÂ bottomingÂ is a big name or a well-known player.Â They fuck up too. Believe me. And what is worse, â€œReputation” can serve as a shield against the slings and arrows of reality. Trust what you see, and what you know FIRST. Everything else is secondary.
Being safe CAN mean safewords and safe-calls. But it also means taking your common sense out there along with your genitals. Look, people have been meeting and dating for millennia without the benefit of safe-call networks. It is nice, sure, and it if makes you feel better, great. HOWEVER. That â€œnetworkâ€ can lure you into a false sense of security and that ainâ€™t fucking WIN, either. Meet in public spaces. At a Munch, whatever. And yes, let people know where you are going. But if that Small Voice is calling to you, donâ€™t say â€œWell, Iâ€™m not sure about them, but I have a safe-call so it will be OK!â€ because, on some level, eventually? It wonâ€™t.
Being submissive doesnâ€™t mean you have to be any one way. See what works for you. Some of us will be shyer, some braver, some will vary wildly between behaviors depending on how they feel. It takes bravery to be who you are AND be submissive. It isnâ€™t an either / or. Take the time to know who you are and be that person regardless of your chosen position in the Power Dynamic.
Never be ashamed.
It is OK to be kinky. Donâ€™t let shame shame you into poor self-care. Get a kink-friendly doctor. Get kink-friendly friends. If something goes wrong, are you prepared to report the problem to law enforcement? Are you prepared to take the hit and the potential embarrassment? No? Then think twice. Seriously. If shame is enough to keep you from taking care of yourself, for fuckâ€™s sake, donâ€˜t do BDSM. YOU are the ONLY person you can rely on 100% of the time, and if your shame might keep you from being safe and from doing what needs to be doneÂ when / if Â shit goes wrong, stop.
It is OK to say â€œNo.â€ It is OK to say â€œYes.â€
Saying no to shit that you donâ€™t wanna do is fine. Saying yes to shit you donâ€™t wanna do is fine, too. Some perverts live for that boundary pushing. Only you know your deepest reasons, your fears, and your desires. As long as you are aware of your risks, and of how far you wanna go, it is totally fine to push those boundaries OR to NEVER approach those boundaries. But make these choices because it is what you want to do, not because it is the way the herd runs.
This is all. YOU. ALL YOU. Not me, not some dominant, not the chorus of “One True Wayers”
This is, at first,Â allÂ about your needs FIRST. There will be plenty of time later to sublimate your will.
Trust me.Â ;-)
Once your needs are met, then you can go ahead and revel in the perversion, joyously and happily.
But do YOUR shit FIRST.
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