Dec 282011
 

When I first became involved in the kink community, I ran into plenty of people who held themselves to a very high standard. Of course, being an overachiever, I did as well. And then I started running into people who branded themselves as “naturals.”

 

These rarefied few were willing to share about how dominance or submission came “naturally” to them, that it was never a struggle, that every moment was a blissful reverie of sacrosanct, sexy, sensual sublime subbly swooniness.

 

And I felt pretty shite, because my first relationship didn’t have much of that!

 

It was a struggle. Not all of it, but enough of the time? I felt I must be barking up the wrong tree because it felt anything but “natural” to do what I wanted to do to get where I THOUGHT I wanted to be.

 

And then, 13+ years later? I’m trying again. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the interim. And I am a different person.

 

And I am working to embrace the struggle.

 

There isn’t much about my submission that feel “easy” or “natural.”  Frankly, some days?  It is frustrating enough to make me want to rip off my clothes and run up and down Times Square waving a white leather flag of defeat.

 

I give up! I can’t do it! I don’t get it…it is too hard…it hurts too much…

 

To everything there is a season.

 

Right now? Little feels natural about bending my will to that of someone else. As much as The Dominant Guy asks of me, part of my mind shrieks and wails under the pressure.   It is an unnatural strain, and I wonder why I do it.

 

But the answer is clear: because it is who I am. Though the orn may have to be taken to a white hot extreme to be forged into the tool it is destined to be, avoiding the forge doesn’t fucking even count as an option.

 

I’m an unnatural submissive.  I am the product of stubbornness, of frustration, of pain and bricks to the head. And my hard-won gains are so precious to me, I wouldn’t give them up for anything.

 

The things we fight and bleed to gain are made precious with their anointing in our blood, sweat and tears, right?  My unnatural submission is, for  me, invaluable.

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  6 Responses to “Unnatural submission.”

  1. Yep, this. Bingo! Its there, its part of me, but it isn’t an easy walk in the park. Thank you for your words :)

  2. This life shit is too fucking hard.

  3. “I felt I must be barking up the wrong tree because it felt anything but “natural” to do what I wanted to do to get where I THOUGHT I wanted to be.”

    I may have to write my own post about how well this applies to dominants as well as submissives :) The short version is I completely agree. Being all domly and commanding doesn’t come easily to me. It took me ages to figure out I was even dominant because supposedly ‘real’ doms never doubt themselves.

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