So LilyLoyd posted a response (On FetLife) to my recent post about training. (The same post is here on this blog) As I mentioned in that post, I have had many hours of brainhamster energy spent running around about training in the BDSM and Leather context. What it means, how it is done, what the purpose is, why the fuck people stop thinking past the obvious and surface meaning of the word to see that there can be very fucking profound spiritual, emotional and psychological repercussions…yargh…bark… growl…
Or maybe that’s just me.
Like most of the people I know who I’d consider ethical and who are thoughtful beings, LilyLoyd questions what business she has taking up the responsibility of training someone.
“On the other side of the equation, I’m very reticent about training Holly. Training her to do a random, and ultimately trivial collection of things seems like an insult to our bond. But training that is worth the name would actually change her. And who am I to do that to her?”
My answer was not one I had to ponder.
Who you are is the one she has chosen to bear that responsibility.
D-types, what we offer you when we say we want to serve you, to be owned by you, to belong to you, to be trained and shaped by you is, in fact, the right to change us. In most cases, we aren’t looking for fundamental shifts in the core of our beings. In my opinion, someone ready to be the slave of another in a consensual m/s dynamic is someone who is, in fact, pretty fucking rad, badass and awesome already.
You ought to be quite resilient and self-aware to say to someone else “I will be obedient, I will serve you and in submitting to your will, we will manifest the best me that I can possibly be.”
I’ll take myself as a case in point. While I absolutely have no desire to have someone attempt to re-arrange my personality or to suppress wide swaths of my nature, I certainly have things I can learn about myself through submission, and living a m/s lifestyle. Patience, self-respect, standing up to insure my needs are met, self-care are a few that pop to the top of my list.
Right now, I am learning a whole lot about all of this stuff in my relationship with The Dominant Guy. It is, by far, the most difficult relationship I’ve ever conducted. And in exploring this seemingly untenable interaction, I’ve learned a great deal about my boundaries, my capacity to stretch them, and about how to live with emotional discomfort. I’ve learned to trust my intuition, how to say “This isn’t working.” and how to be emotionally transparent. I’ve shed a great deal of my fear. I’ve come to accept that being angry, sad, depressed, upset, dissatisfied and disaffected is just as valuable as being happy, joyous, excited, satisfied and connected. I’ve learned that my intuition is spot on, and that I can trust myself.
And I have learned that I am far, far stronger than I ever thought possible. I used to think I desperately needed to belong to someone or else I would not be fully fulfilling my destiny, and I would be bereft.
Today I know that my slavery is a need, yes, and a part of me. But it is not a need that requires filling by someone else in order to have value, It is a facet of who I am that is enhanced and polished with love and attention from a power outside of myself. I am myself, I am a slave, I have intrinsic power with or without @TheDominantGuy. I honor him by offering myself. and he honors me by respecting my offer. I am worthy of exemplary treatment, and i have deemed him worthy of having the keys, the deed and the manual so that the can best manage me.
Hence, the slave who says to their dominant that they agree to be trained by them has said “You are worthy.”
And that is a Big Fucking Deal, yo.
The slave who seeks out training has invested trust that they will be well cared for in that process. And they present themselves to their trainer with surrender, trust and adoration.
So who says you, the dominant, the master, are worthy to change us?
Your servants, your submissives, your slaves…those who would be a component of your heart and soul and will manifested in another body.