Aug 172009
 
OK, OK, YOU can wear socks.

THIS guy gets a pass. He can leave the socks on AND eat Triscuits. Oh, and click here to remove that smiley!

Hey kids!

I know not everyone here is on an internet dating site. But most of you have tried one if you’ve been single in the past decade of so.

And on the more adult sites, there are often issues that one faces. I addressed the issue of crappy handles and titles in the last installation of dating tips.

Today it is a simple one.

Feet.

I’m not even goign to address wearing silly shoes, because I personally don’t care.If shoes bug you, write about it on your own damn blog.

But gentlemen.

Take.

Off.

Your.

Fucking.

Socks.

I mean it.

BUTT BELOW THE CUT so watch it.

Continue reading »

Jun 102009
 

I will say that I have some expertise in the online dating thing. As an employee now for a site in which I’ve been an active member for almost 12 years and continuously since July 27th, 1998, and furthermore as an avid info-vacuum, I have gleaned much and winced repeatedly.

I’m gonna throw down some occasional knowledge here, for free and shit.

My public service, to you.

CHOOSING YOUR HANDLE

OK!  *rubbing hands together vigorously*


Look, people. We all know there is a shitload of cross-over between the Geek / Nerd / Gamer  / Ren Faire / SCA / Steampunk community and Perverts.

But please, in the words of the immortal Mick Jagger in the seminal classic Sympathy for the Devil, “Show some dignity, and some taste.”

Dropping in “69”

UNLESS YOU WERE BORN in 1969, and even then, sparingly, DO NOT numeric your fucking handle with “69.”

I’m not going to detail this. Just don’t bloody do it, man.

i.e.: SexySadist69 = FAIL and … we will, we will, MOCK YOU *stomp stomp clap*stomp stomp clap*

Self-Awarded Titles

You may well feel like titling yourself. You may fancy yourself a “Master” or a “Sir” or a “Mistress” and that is your prerogative. Go ahead, but know that it is ABSOLUTELY THE RIGHT of anyone responding to you to NOT address you thusly.

You aren’t MY Sir / Master / Mistress so I am not going to add that to yer name in a conversation, so don’t get snippy about it or I’ll disengage from you fast you’ll wonder where that singed feeling in your eyebrows came from.

I do have  boundaries.

Like other titles and terms.

And other words.

This veers a bit into pet peeves, but these peeves are the result of a saturation of people using these names. If you happen to have the handle “LordBloodStar” and have since you first started posting on alt.sex.bondage, cool. But your e-descendants are making me crazy, and I am not alone. I posted on Twitter and had a lively exchange on this topic. Even hardcore gamers know this is teh phailz.

Too many references spoil the Soup

Rethink your game if you are using any / several of the following in your profile handle:

  • Lord
  • Blade
  • Wolf
  • Dark (Yep, totally guilty on this one. But you know what? I AM. DARK. Not just in my ^@%$ mind / heart / soul)
  • Warrior
  • Bane
  • Blood
  • Rose
  • Fire (or teh evil spawn, “Fyre”)
  • Dragon
  • Mage

For this last I reserve a special irritation.

C’mon. Mage? Really?

You can have a metric fuckton of fun using the above words arranged in thousands of permutations for hours of pain and suffering!

OK, geeks, we get it. And I know some of y’all, like the kid who did this vid, have a sense of humor about their shit…

…and I loves me some geeks. But you need to leave the WoW at the dungeon door, people.

Please.

sigh

To cleanse my palate, I often enjoy the following video …

…because if I ever come across someone with the handle FredericoGarciaLorcasCock, I’m giving them a free membership.

…Ezra Poundsyou…Ralph Waldo Humperson… *snerk*


Mar 012009
 

One of the Happier Discoveries I made about being a pervert is that lots of the idiosyncrasies, pathologies, fetishes and freakish desires that many people frown upon in the General Public are not only just fine by pervs, but are actively encouraged.

You Like to boss people around? Great! Find yourself a pliant submissive and knock yerself out!

You wanna be degraded and heaped in abuse and scorn? AWESOME. Get yourself at the feet of a skilled top and you can rootle like the pig you are to your heart’s content.

But it is a continuous process, for me, accepting myself.

I have yet to run across a fetish or a play-style that I absolutely cannot fathom. 

I understand why people wish to pretend to be children.

I can see why scatological play fascinates people.

I absolutely grok furries.

I have no trouble at all embodying the desire to hurt, be hurt, to hit some dude in the grapes with a ball-peen hammer.

And I can view these things with compassion.

Except in one notable case.

And that is me.

See, I need a boss. A Daddy.  A Platoon Leader for my Army of One.

I need guidance, encouragement, a cheerleader, a parental figure.

Someone who will put my picture up on the refrigerator and call me in the middle of the day to tell me how proud they are.

And I see this as a fatal weakness. A character flaw.

I SHOULD be self-motivated. I SHOULD be able to be a “Self-Starter.”  I SHOULD be able to motivate myself to do for myself by myself. I SHOULD not need someone to pull me along by the nose, sometimes kicking and screaming, toward what I need.  I SHOULD keep my room tidy because that is what Good Girls Do.

That’s a whole shitload of shoulds.

The drawback to functioning so well under the measured guidance of a Boss is that the absence of said boss leaves one at loose ends sometimes.

Now, sometimes I do get motivated.  I was quite proud of myself last Friday when I took much-needed time off of work, wrestled the Mighty Kaiser Permanente, asked for help by way of borrowing a friend’s car,  saw 2 doctors for 2 different issues,  got my Flu AND Pneumonia vaccines, had my scrips filled, fucked shit up at Target,  did my shopping, hauled my loot home and up; the the 3rd floor all by myself, went to dinner for delicious matzoh ball soup,  and got back to bed in one piece.

On Friday, I had my Big Girl Panties on.

But it fucking stung to want nothing more at the end of the day to have that acknowledged by someone who was present and loving. 

The thing about being in service to someone is that it takes you out of your “You-centric”  headspace and puts you into a mindset of gleaning joy from the service to another. 

And I love that, and I get that.

And I miss that. And it is an unshakable seismic ache, sometimes.

That’s all.

I…um.

Yeah. 

I have no pithy clever wrap-up tonight.

Just me, wondering why I’m built in this strange way.

Feb 252009
 

I have been exchanging emails with a dominant I had approached with the intent of getting to know him a little better.

I got several brushbacks. He found me “intimidating” somehow…but never elaborated on what that meant.

He doesn’t play casually, because his play partners tend to “fall for him” so rather than risk that, he avoids playing up until mutual levels of interest are met.

Well, OK, whatever works, right?

Then I got the serious emotional bean ball: the suckerpunch of being told I’m  “not the type” he is usually attracted to…but my scintillating intellect intrigued him to the point where he considered the chance to get to know me a rare treat.  A singular indulgence for his own formidable intellect.

Thanks.

I want nothing more than to be your Scheherazade while you go off being ego-stroked by the hordes of swooning submissives who ARE your type, even if their conversation, realness, intelligence and demeanor are no match for mine.

Srsly?

You wanna admire my wit?

Read my fucking blogs.

You want repartee?

Subscribe to my goddamned  Twitter feed.

I need to be lusted after and ravished by a Man Who Wants Nothing More Than To Own Me.

Not a sparkly psychic bauble.

Not your mental whetstone.

My last long-term relationship was with a guy who would stop everything he was doing and fuck my brains out when he saw me naked. He thought my body was absolutely perfect. Oh and hey! He ADDITIONALLY admired my intelligence. Fancy that.

Too bad he was intimidated by my history as a kinkster. It took me 3 years to pass through that relationship.

But that is another story for another day.

I am pleased my turnaround time on weeding out mismatched partners is improving.

Exponentially.

SO, back to the current issue…

After many MANY conversational miscues and missteps that left me feeling a bit battered, I closed my last communication with this prospective date thusly:

I value myself FAR to highly to be shoe-horned among the swooning mass of women with whom you won’t play because they “fall for you.”

I have been around the dungeon enough times to know that someone who is still sleeping with an ex “because they are fluid bonded” is not someone who is fully emotionally and physically and spiritually available.

I am not at all interested in waiting and hoping for the day you have the gumption and /or desire to let go of your ex and move on.

I will not compete with other women for your time.

I am free, unencumbered, emotionally available and have the ovaries to live alone and walk alone until someone who wants me as I am, and who appreciates all that I am comes along.

I am certainly not going to cobble together a scant meal from the crumbs and leavings of someone else’s table.

That is what you are offering me right now.

I wish I felt as strong as those words sound…because right now I feel lonely.

But I don’t feel lonely enough to fucking queue up for a man-raffle.

Dec 082008
 
(The name and the grammar have been (partially) changed / corrected
to (kinda) protect the innocent)

Mollena: Hi there…I suppose it has been an entire day since you sent that IM to me….and my gods were you up early in a Sunday!

gimmiesomebooty: lol yea

gimmiesomebooty: so how are you chocolate perfection?

Mollena: You are sweet. I’m OK! And yourself?

gimmiesomebooty: alone and oh so horny lol

Mollena: The perpetual quandary of man.

gimmiesomebooty: indeed

gimmiesomebooty: I think I’m an ok looking guy, I don’t think I HAVE to be single but I am

Mollena: Well, if one is at ALL discerning, often one finds themselves single.

Mollena: :-|

gimmiesomebooty: true

gimmiesomebooty: so why is it your single?

Mollena: ………

gimmiebooty: are you busy

Mollena: I’m at work…please don’t take my sporadic texts personally!

gimmiesomebooty: ok, so when can I make oral love to that sexy body

Mollena: :-o

Mollena: Wows!

Mollena: Um.

Mollena: :-?

gimmiesomebooty: told u I’m alone and horny and just feel like gettin nasty, if you were home I’d do a cam show for u

Mollena: The funny thing is you could still do one and it would look like work……

gimmiesomebooty: would u like me to?

Mollena: What does this entail, precisely?

gimmiesomebooty: see me naked, inserting my new dildo and when I bust see me lick it all up

Mollena: I think I can do without the licking up part…a personal preference of mine so early in the day….
gimmiesomebooty: would u get behind me with a strap on later

Mollena: I might consider it. But as that is something I consider to be pretty intimate, I think that would have to wait until I knew someone pretty well and was involved with him. Otherwise it feels very much like a professional transaction. “Hi, nice to meet you, let’s have sex, here’s your fee.” kind of a thing.

gimmiesomebooty: I hear ya but entertain me cause I’m beyond aroused

gimmiesomebooty: would u let me watch you and another guy

Mollena: *laughs* And if I obey your command to entertain you , does that mean you are in switch mode and ordering me to watch you jerk your cock off in your bedroom, Mister?

gimmiesomebooty: indeed lol no I don’t know just feel like being mad freaky is all

Mollena: =)

gimmiesomebooty: would u make me watch you fuck somebody else

Mollena: That really depends, sweetie.

Mollena: What type of relationship are you looking for? Or are you looking for a relationship at all?

gimmiesomebooty: I’d like to be your cuck

Mollena: Interesting.

gimmiesomebooty: ?

Mollena: And what would that mean for you?

Mollena: Do you enjoy having sex withheld? Enforced chastity? Personal service? Houseboy duties?

gimmiesomebooty: being your faithful bitch

gimmiesomebooty: I like being jealous and humiliated

gimmiesomebooty: ?

Mollena: :-)

Mollena: SO you live in [REDACTED] now? Are you originally from [REDACTED]?

gimmiesomebooty: yes

gimmiesomebooty: how would u cuck me

gimmiesomebooty: I’d love to lick you clean after you were fucked

Mollena: That’s pretty intense. I’ve never done that.
gimmiesomebooty: but you’d like to

Mollena: Well, as I am not in a relationship right now, and I don’t fuck around often if at all, there would be slim pickings on the sloppy seconds.

Mollena: Plus I really am looking for a partner. That doesn’t exclude having a good sexual relationship, but that is the energy I am mostly looking for.

Mollena: If that makes sense

gimmiesomebooty: I am too I’d like to be married to a black queen that owns and runs me

Mollena: Then I might gently advise a more low-key approach.

gimmiesomebooty: I’m sorry but I did say I’m beyond aroused

Mollena: If the first contact we have in chat is you wanting me to watch you jerk off that doesn’t reeeeeally say “Hello, I’d like to get to know you.”

gimmiesomebooty: I know I’m sorry

Mollena: Better!

Mollena: And your name, please?

gimmiesomebooty: [REDACTED]

Mollena: Hello {REDACTED]

Mollena: I’m Mollena, but you already knew that!

gimmiesomebooty: hello mollens

gimmiesomebooty: mollena*

Mollena: Excellent. I appreciate you taking the time to correct that.

Mollena: You mentioned you are a {REDACTED]…is that what brought you to {REDACTED]?
gimmiesomebooty: yea

Mollena: Are you independent or do you work with [REDACTED]?
gimmiesomebooty: independent

Mollena: Wow you must be good to have clientele here in SF… There is a LOT of competition.

gimmiesomebooty has signed out

Dec 012008
 

I don’t usually advertise myself as a switch. Why? Because I’m not, centrally, switch-focused. I have found a depth of fulfillment within my submissive nature that is pretty fucking startlingly WINtastic.

But every once in a while someone gets through the cracks and I think “Well, maybe, maybe I could switch…”

And I wish it were not so, but this seems to be the case with insanely attractive submissive men.

Almost Perfect...Wait! Who you callin' a size queen?!?!

I received a message on CollarMe that didn’t make me want to run screaming for the hills or rant insanely about the puerility of most of the membership on that particular site. But it was from a submissive. I idly scrolled down to the profile picture and holymotherfucking shit the man is gorgeous. GORGEOUS. And it seems that I am precisely his type.

Check and mate.

First off, there ain’t nothing much more attractive than someone who thinks that who you are is simply over-the-top fantastic. There aren’t busloads of men stopping in front of my flat looking for “That thick black blonde woman,” so when someone specifically digs me, I am thinking “OK, let’s look further.”

And then he’s smoking hot. Yay!

But submissive. Boo!

Or…not?

My ex-boyfriend, The Pizza Guy*, didn’t identify as a “dominant” per se. But our relationship worked out well while it lasted. And I know plenty of people who become involved with folks who fall outside of their desired core identification.

I rarely say “Never.” Primarily because to make that kind of call is hubris. And anyone who has read their mythology knows how well hubristic heroes fare in the end!

But I cannot help feeling a bit shallow and petty. If an equally sincere submissive with whom I might also have an interesting relationship approached me but was not some Adonis, would I consider a coffee date as readily? And if not, is that fair? If if not fair, who cares?

This is all probably moot. The flake factor on these sites is markedly overwhelming, and I probably will not wind up meetig this man. But when I am next at a Munch or a Kink Convention and meet that really really hot submissive, I may well not move them into the “ineligible” category quite so quickly.


*Someone remind me to blog about that later.
Nov 242008
 

In my experience, Lifestyle female Dominants are among the rarer critters in the plains and valleys of the BDSM / Leather Lifestyle Landscape.

These women are often beset by hordes of male submissives.

It sounds like an awesome proposition no? To have packs of men swooning at your feet. Who wouldn’t want to be the worshipped center of attention, with gifts and tribute flowing in from all sides? And you, on a mighty throne, elevated and surrounded by adoring legions of swooning gorgeous slavish male Adonii??

Not quite!

The grass is always greener…

I got a sneak peek into the lamer side of being a Fem Dom the other day.

Let me state & reiterate: I ‘m not a dominant. My profiles on various dating sites are clear on this.

I’m easy, though. I don’t really mind someone writing to me who maybe has missed that I’m not a dominant. Even though the little box where you indicate your preference is an easy thing to take in when perusing profiles. That is one of the first things people do, usually: verify compatibility via the person’s checklist.

So, when I get an email from a submissive, I wonder how they could have missed that.

Like this guy. Let’s call him KnockMyNuts69.

 

He e-mailed me thusly:

I am a very submissive male masochist that hopes you will enjoy hurting and humiliating me for your amusement. I live and work XXXXXXREDACTEDXXXXXX and often travel to SF. I hope that we can get to know each other better.

Your humble slave
KnockMyNuts69

I thought, OK, well, no. And I sent back the following message:

 

Greetings!

I am wondering if you read my profile…?

Thanks!

~Mollena

 

I received a response back, with the following….

Yes Mistress Mollena,

I have read your profile and it excites me very much. I do not really understand the part about you working for an adult website and why that would be a concern to one anonymity. But I am a submissive masochist eager to serve beautiful dominate sadistic women such as yourself. I hope we can get to know each other better.

Your humble slave
KnockMyNuts69

OK, well, then I thought, no, I do not think you did, KnockMyNuts69.

And I am not EVEN going to go into your use of the word “dominate” I’ve already ranted about that, and I am done for 2008.

I sent back this message:

It has nothing to do with my working for an adult website.

You clearly did not read my profile or you would not be addressing me as “Mistress” or approaching me to top you.

Then I did a triple take to receive this rather bizarrely scathing response to my 2-line mail:

Well I tried to read your profile but it is just SO BORING and convoluted that it is meaningless.

Let’s analize you profile … line number 1

Please take a moment to check out my blog here in ALT… XXXXXXXX  it

You blog is empty. This is the first line of your profile, what kind of impression does that make? “take a moment to check out” my empty blog.

Does your blog really give insight your “creaking smoky rusted hyena-patrolled labyrinthine workings of my internal processes”?

And will it “certainly score some points” with you? Well i read it and what do I get?

I could go on and on but this way to BORING. Oops did I get to the point too fast … should I of said it is way to … blue colored, grainy, fuzzy, unclear, obtuse, tedious, long-winded, self-important, ponderous, did I say tedious, un-compelling, uninspiring, pretentious, pointless, demotivating, superfluous, lame, and just way too long.

YAWN my I am grouchy tonight. maybe that’s because i am tried of this boring crap

Nice.

Well, he has one point. The link on my profile goes to my previous blog on that site, however I left that link there for the benefit for those who might have had that previous blog hotlinked.

But whatever.

That subtlety would be outside of the interest of this individual.

Good luck finding a partner, dude.

Is it me, or is this just mean for no fucking reason?? I am tickled to have gone from very exciting to exceedingly boring in one fell swoop…whatever shall I do???

Dom women, you have my empathy.

Nov 192008
 

I absolutely cannot kill my internal eternal optimist.

Many have, inadvertently, tried to quell Little Mo’s bright-eyed bushy-tailed wellspring of hopeless romanticism.

“You never know!” she’ll pipe up in hopeful, dulcet tones “Stranger things have happened! Sometimes people find wonderful folks online! Give it a try Mo!”

SO, I open my in-box on yet another site for kinky folks, and see what the tide of fortune had washed my way.

(Details have been altered to protect the baffling.)

 

I am a ## yo Caucasian male who, like you, is a non-smoker, although I do drink occasionally.
I would like to tie you up, blindfold and gag you, humiliate and punish you when you are bad (and even when you are good), and force you to cum over and over again while I am doing these things to you.
I PROMISE that you can trust me. I worked for {BIG ASS] Bank for ## years. People trusted me with their financial affairs, and keeping them confidential, so you can trust me with complete control over your body.

It has been my experience that Black women tend to be more submissive, and very caring and compassionate. This is why I am writing to you. I hope to be equally caring by forcing you to enjoy your submission.
I hope to receive your email soon.

 

BY THE HOLY HAND GRENADE OF ANTIOCH….we are in the midst of a financial crisis of Brobdingnagian proportions, and you flaunt your …your…MAD ACCOUNTING SKILLZ…to entice me?!?!?!  Who are you, Herbert fuckin’ Kornfeld?!?!  

It Wuz Always 'Bout Tha Numbahs

It Wuz Always 'Bout Tha Numbahs

 

And, OK…see…*fizzing*

Dude.

DUDE.

It has been MY experience that ALL WOMEN ruffle at being painted with such brushes and lumped into condescending categories.

And…my gods, man!! When did we Negresses get the rep for being “MORE SUBMISSIVE“?!?! 

I thought that was the purview of my equally benighted “Oriental” sisters?!?!

Oh, wait, no…don’t they get the “Dragon Lady” thing piled on them?

It is so hard to keep track of those Kinky stereotypes…

I suppose I ought to be grateful that I am able to immediately filter out The Unsuitable when they so loudly skirl on their bagpipe of douchebaggery right off the bat.

I suppose.

Oct 292008
 

I know it is tough. When you are surfing the interwebs to look for love, perhaps you lack the time to read every line of every profile of every woman into whom you want to stick your penis.

But please.

My gods.

Some of the responses I get to my profile.

This gem today in my mail from my ALT.com profile…

WOW -YOU AMAZE ME. YOU CUM stay with me 4 awhile. YUM – I’ll tie you to the bed till you say uncle. LOL Seriously I’d love to get to know you a lot better.

Seriously. NEVER.

This next one is less ridiculous and more along the lines of an awesome typo:

Having read your profile I’m not sure whether i’d want to kiss you, duck you senseless, or tie you down and beat the sass put of you.

If a sass-put is anything like a shot-put, I’ll pass. And I believe CA has laws against mallard mauling, but I’ll have to get back to you on that.

This next guy…holy shit.

Let me preface this with the fact that his picture is…well, it was him with a ……aw, fuck it.

Here is the photo he uses in his profile:

Seriously. Stop.

My desires is to gain control and not let the sub have any freedom. I want them to worship me like a God. My desires to my sub are to make them feel they cant do anything without me , make them into a doll and I, am the chains that move the doll. I have a years experience.

A year. A YEAR and you plan on Stepfording me?!?!

*chokes back a sob*

A most profound moment of Zen settled over my troubled soul like god’s hand on a restless sea when I received the following solicitation on the first contact …TEH FIRST MESSAGE, y’all…from a “person” on collarme.com:

damn you a big fine momma.you open to k9?

This is, at the VERY LEAST, a third date gambit.

I know you feel my pain, you who are online looking-for-love-or-a-reasonable-facsimile-thereof…