For my FetLife Friend.

So may times over the years I see submissives fall “prey” to “predators” or fall  “victim” of a bad dom or exploitative wolf in leather clothing.


I recently made the online acquaintance of a woman who was going from an online to a real-time dominant / submissive (d/s) relationship.


The fairytale for which so many pine. You may know it, or a variation of it. All romance and flowers and “the beast within” and roses at midnight and kneeling in trembling submission and all of that gorgeous prose.


For reasons that are their business, it went south.  She had to make the call to change course and let go of this particular fantasy-turned-reality.


And you know what? She did.


She cut her losses, realized that it was not the right situation for her.


She ended it.


She did not sail in railing against him on public forums.


She did not pull “submissive sob sister” all over the kink and fetish groups available on the damned Internet.


She acted like a bloody adult. She said “No, this is not OK.” And she made sure her home remained a safe space.


Not such a big deal? You think?


Think again.


Women are not typically groomed to fiercely protect their emotional space, or to be defensive of their safety. Add to that a reflexive desire to obey and be pleasing, steeped in seething vats of kinky purple prose designed to titillate and not firmly rooted in fact, and you have a recipe for an emotional 58 car pile-up.


I applaud this woman because it surprised me that she saw this coming and did what was right.


I applaud her for not kowtowing to the idea that being submissive means you have to do whatever it takes to please one person, even if your gut is screaming no.


I applaud this woman for taking care of herself and her family.


I applaud this woman for her huge brass ovaries in remaining hopeful in the face of crappy odds.


I applaud this person, this woman, with little experience in the Leather “Community” who still had the sense that the Gods gave her and the temerity to step up to the plate when it was time to do what needed to be done.


I send a prayer of strength to anyone who has NOT obeyed his or her gut.


Who, despite misgivings, stayed in a bad relationship.


Who let their fear of being alone override their knowledge that their situation was unhealthy.


I pray that, if you are ever faced with a situation that is not-optimal or outright dangerous, that you have the strength to let go, to see your self worth, to know that there are  DECENT, WONDERFUL, CARING, RESPONSIBLE PEOPLE and if you put out that energy, that energy WILL be yours.


Perhaps not in the time you want.


Perhaps not in a fairy-tale sparkling coach.


Maybe not even in a guise that is recognizable to you.


But it will happen.


It will.


And this post is more for me, more to me, than it is to The Woman Who IS SO Very, Very Brave.


Because she did what I wasn’t able to do, and took care of her emotional self.


SO, this is my post to me.


Love yourself.


Love yourself better.



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  1. shortcake on October 20, 2008 at 2:37 PM

    AWWWWW Molena thank you, you know this was the hardest thing to do in my life and i accomplished it in less then 7 days of the relationship! thank you for believing in me! your a great friend i am flattered by what you wrote, i too hope it reaches another soul, and makes them see the beauty of strength that Lie’s with in each of our hearts and minds, for we are strong women and need to do what is right for our selves and like me a very young child!
    thank you lady hugs! shortcake

  2. ~c on October 20, 2008 at 2:44 PM

    Bravo!!! Wonderful Post!


  3. ~m on October 21, 2008 at 1:15 AM

    Man you know how to smack a girl upside the head! i’m struggling to stay strong after asking my Husband/Master of 20 years to leave because He is in big, messy, dangerous relapse. my huevos aren’t brass, but they are keeping me strong for today.
    another of your fetlife friends,

  4. mollena on October 21, 2008 at 1:33 AM

    Amazing, ~m.

    You have such a tough job. Your lifemate is himself suffering. know some of the horrible pitchblack path down which he is walking. I can only imagine what parts of you are SO screaming to help, to try to hope he comes to his senses.

    As a sober alcoholic, I applaud your capacity to stand against his addiction in a way he, at present, cannot.

    Perhaps he will learn and veer from this one-way highway to oblivion.

    I’m and struck by your strength.

    It AS TOUGH to stay with an active addict than it is to leave an active addict. But staying makes you both victims, and leaving leaves him the choice to de-victimize.

    Me? I cannot think of a better choice than the one you have made.



  5. bailey on October 21, 2008 at 10:08 AM

    As one who is now in North Carolina instead of Virgina.

    Having a good education and good job prospects makes this easy for me.

    “Love yourself better.” and do the things necessary to do it well.