Heart monogamy is how I’ve recently come to identify my idea of my optimal relationship structure. While I know many people eschew labels and frown upon being “boxed,” I see well-placed labels as a great way for people listening to me to grab onto what I’m talking about. I can then drag them along for my own emotional version of “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride,” but without a common launch pad, the discussion or negotiation has about as much coherency as 38 chickens trying to build a Jenga© stack.
I’m not polyamorous by the generic definition. I tend to airlock into a relationship once I’m there, and I ain’t tryin’ to let anyone else get their little umbilicus into my supply ship.
Great Ganesha…that was geeky.
But you get my point.
Now, this does not mean there isn’t room to take off on little side missions to interesting planets, party with the natives, get some fun times with alien species. But at the end of the mission, I need to have that heart-to-heart with another person who feels the same way about me.
This morning a Friend on Twitter asked me about being play poly and heart monogamous, and how that works out…how I got to the point where that was OK.
So, here is a bit about that. And here is a caveat, dear reader…this isn’t about you. This is about me. If you do it differently, that’s cool. Many people I love dearly do it VERY differently. But I am not looking to be swayed or converted or told that my way isn’t OK. I’m not looking to have yet another conversation about how awesome poly is and how flawed monogamy is. I’ve had enough people laugh at my being monogamous, try to cheese their way into my life with arguments about how monogamy is for the fearful. Yadda. Don’t go there. Please.
In brief, I’ve always been somewhat non-monogamous. My first High School sweetie and I had a third for a while in our relationship…one of my best girlfriends was involved with us for a time. Being bisexual, that was great for me and he, being 19, was in an enviable position of having a girlfriend and a playmate. The boundaries were pre-negotiated, and we were cool.
When he pretty much rolled over the boundaries, the triad was dissolved, though he and I carried on for a bit, and my relationship with my friend carried on as well, with no permanent damage. Hell, I’d known her since elementary school…I wasn’t about to let a boy fuck that up.
Thereafter I was monogamous, with occasional forays into Salacious Sluttiness until I became involved in the BDSM community. My first formal Leather relationship was a M/S household, High Protocol, and very poly. I found that was OK, actually, for a while. The workload in the house was shared, I tended to enjoy the company of the majority of the women that my Trainer brought into the fold, and I really loved watching him play from that intimate ”In The Household” vantage point.
I did NOT, however, feel valued and loved when he immediately went on a hunt for more subs the moment his relationship status dwindled to only me. I felt it would be a good time for us to recoup, bond, and then see what life brought in to the Family. He was actively recruiting. I realized that the idea of needing more than one partner was not central to my heart. That was the beginning of my end there.
Since then, I’ve had a few moments where poly has seemed feasible. Until it isn’t. I still feel, very deeply, the need to have a person with whom I share the level of focus that feeds my need. Going into a situation where a dominant has a primary / lover / slave / spouse / submissive / play partner who isn’t me precludes my becoming truly close to them. I just don’t open up in the same way.
That isn’t to say I haven’t been tempted. A few times there have been couples who I found unilaterally attractive, and my head was turned. There have been dominants who have hit That Spot and as I stood there in the aftermath, compromise of that Core need has seemed very, very tempting.
But I am fortunate enough to have my karma straight enough that those situations reveal themselves, rather quickly, to be unfeasible.
I know that I love playing with new friends, and I know that I love watching someone I care for enjoying themselves with another partner. It gives me insight into their process in a way I cannot manage when I am in scene with them. My partner watching me bottom to someone else, or knowing that I have that experience, can broaden and deepen their insight into my submission, service and masochism.
It has to be, for me, that the bond I feel with my partner provides for safe playing, for a situation in which my self-esteem is supported and nurtured. I absolutely will not put myself back into a situation where I am vying for a place in the heart of my master, owner, partner, lover, with other people.
I need mine: my master, my owner, my lover, my partner. I need the bond to have the intention of “Us-ness” and for that intention to have momentum that carries us through.
And, despite the occasional turns of the head, that is what I need to thrive.
Could that change? Sure. Life reveals itself to me in strangely beautiful ways. I am not so hubristic as to say “Never ever!” However, this is something that I know about the me that is writing this today: I need my place to be mine, not shared, not compromised, not subject to addenda, adjustment, whim and fancy.
I am Fairly Certain I am enough to keep an owner well and truly occupied.
And for those who feel that one person could never be everything to another, and therefore more people are needed…I don’t roll that way.
I don’t need you to be my everything.
I do need to be everything you want.