Dec 102011
 

Today @TheDominantGuy and I had some time to have a phone date. Which I love so very much.  There are still Big Ass Things on the table to discuss and that might have gone down…but the second stage of emotional heavy-lifting didn’t happen. We got to catch up on other stuff. And actually just talk, which is so lovely.

 

We had a very lively discussion about my rantlet on FetLife, which wound up becoming quite the little discussion, which is cool. (I’ve put it up here for those who aren’t on FetLife) And while he agreed with and understood my point, he reminded me that sometimes? People do find themselves caught off-guard and reacting in ways that might seem inappropriate.

 

Yeah I know dude but it still doesn’t mean it doesn’t bug the shit out of me.

 

It happens that some submissives, especially if they haven’t experienced that hyper-focused attention from a d-type before, don’t know what else to do. It is instinctive. They just get caught up in the laser-like focus of dominance…

 

<snort>

 

What?

 

 It is also known as poor impulse-control! You CAN maintain…you just CHOOSE not to. 

Continue reading »

Feb 172010
 

I love perverted sex. In fact, some of the perverted sex I love the most is considered too fucked up for public consumption by other kinky people.

I love kinky people. The community, warts and all, is a home for me.  And like any extended weird family, we have our disagreements.

I know for a fact that there will be people reading this who are on the other side of this discussion. But when it comes to talking shit about people who don’t do sex the way we do, I have strong opinions.

When I’m in a room full of kinky people and someone says “I feel so sorry for the poor vanillas. I just don’t get how they could be so lame!” and goes on to expand on how kinky sex is the best way to have intimate relations, that “they” will “never understand” how much “better” our sex is, and I see the majority of people in the room nodding or clucking their tongues sympathetically, I realize something.

We become that which we reject when we paint people who don’t fuck the same way that we do with a broad brush.

The two best lovers I have ever had weren’t “kinky.” According to them. They were sadistic, deliciously sick, fucked up sex maniacs. They slapped me around, said all sorts of horrible shit to me, fucked my brains out, and still felt pretty good about themselves.

Neither one of them had ever taken a Kink class, set foot into a play party,  or could tell SSC from WTF.

Now you “Enlightened” perverts can pooh-pooh that and wink knowingly and say “Oh, yeah, they were kinky. They just didn’t know it yet.”

But who the fuck are you to tell people how they should identify?

Kinky sex is NOT, by default, better sex. It is for YOU if you are kinky. People who don’t do BDSM are not all  ignorant or unenlightened. Continue reading »

Dec 092009
 

Rod Jetton: Flawless Triple Douchebagger.

Ugh. Republicans. AGAIN with the sex scandals!!

OK, to be fair, that is certainly a blanket statement, and I shouldn’t be so flippant. ALL public figures get themselves into sexual loggerheads, right? And hell, my ex, Jack, was a registered Republican and I’ve certainly taken a few tumbles with conservative types. Shit, I even had a torrid affair with a hot blonde Republican from Concord who was the child of missionaries. But she was really hot. Hotness trumps political affiliation.

Usually.

My point is this…people who trumpet in public are the strumpets in private. I’m so over this scandal and that scandal with these people who yammer about morality and then wind up with their pants down in bathroom stalls and their dicks in the orifii of someone not their wife.

Usually I just roll on past these with a sigh but this Jetton douchebaggery has cut a little closer to the bone.

Why?

The Trifecta. Continue reading »

Oct 062009
 

Booya!Too many people, overwhelmingly on the bottom / submissive side of the kink equation, have a tendency to have a “let it slide” attitude.

You know.

You meet someone, they are very aggressive on the first date, move too fast, but because you emerge unscathed, you “let it slide.”

Someone pushes a limit, but maybe you didn’t make it clear…maybe it is your fault…so you “let it slide.”

Someone talks about you to another person in a manner that is derogatory or too personal or just makes you uncomfortable and rather than addressing them directly about your feelings you “let it slide.”

Well, fucking stop that shit.

Continue reading »

Sep 162009
 

Fireplay can be a dramatic and sexy aspect of BDSM play. Whether you are doing a quick swipe of someone’s skin with flash-paper or using some high falutin’ fire floggers, it is certainly an eye-catching and showy scene.

Unless you set everything on fire.

I was recently reminded of a scene I saw many years ago where a bottom, bring topped by four domly types, was in the midst of a serious piercing scene and one of the sadistic bastards sprayed the gal to saturated, with alcohol, to make the needles sting even more.

Then someone else had the bright idea of running current through the needles with a violet wand. Continue reading »

Jun 032009
 

I recently received a comment from a reader on my blog here that was if critical import to me in a time where i face cutting criticism and sometimes feel like I’m swimming upstream on a futile mission about which no one really cares. 

I’ll quote it here:

Wow. I am blown away. I read the whole interview front to back and my head is spinning. I guess I never really thought about the way we have all been “Puritanically” brainwashed about race. I’m Choctaw Indian and my VERY white Master and I giggle about me being the “captive Indian Squaw to his white man captor” a lot but I never really looked too deeply into the WHY of why its so much fun for me. Thank you for being open and honest about that part where you said you learned that you are “submissive to authority.” I am the same way and have known that for a long time but having the guts to say it out loud is so different from acknowledging it in your own head. I plan to re-read this interview several times as you brought out a lot of seriously important things not just about race play or the kink community but about perceptions and understanding the psychology behind why we fear what we fear

Kahlana

Something I said altered her thinking.  This isn’t something people hear every day.  But I hear it more and more when I talk about the hard stuff. What submission is. How play can be risky. What it is to be a minority, what it is to be fat.

I hear it more and more.

When I was in Chicago for Shibaricon, I had several people walk up to me and say similar things. This is a strange and exhilarating and humbling experience.  I was walking through the dungeon with Lolita when these two people came up, individually,  and shared this with me. Later on she and I were talking about some of the flack I’d been taking for being public on such a tough topic. She pointed out that the folks who’d spoken with me weren’t just blowing smoke up my ass but that they were quite passionate about sharing their experience, and that this was something I needed to take to heart and hold close.  Not the other shit.

Let me sit with that…

Something I was moved to share, to talk about, to write about…changed someone’s life. Their way of thinking. How they see themselves. For the better.

HIT ME!!

Just…wow.

Because of that, I carry on.

I won’t back down from who I am. I will not be made to feel like I am “wrong” or that I should hide in the closet for what I do.

When other kinky people to turn their rancor on me for reasons of difference in life-experience, sexual preferences and desire, it is sad, but no longer completely shocks me.

Funny though These same people won’t blink an eye when a local dungeon holds a “Slave Auction.” These same people use tools of oppression,  of torture, with a gleam in their eye but feel free to trash me because they have decided that I have “gone too far.”

 

I know from my own personal experience that some of my more vehement violent critics are those who play in the dark recesses of the mind and heart when it comes to racial politics in and out of the bedroom, but their own issues provoke them to lash out at me, who dare drag this “beast” to the light.

I’ve read post after post where people make tangential arguments and specific examples of why I am wrong to do this type of play. SO many of these people were drawing from NON-CONSENSUAL examples of race based violence.

Go ahead and skip over the fact that we in the BDSM community are basing ALL OF OUR INTERSECTIONS ON CONSENT if you wish. But I see the flaw in your criticism.

We are all about consent. Nothing I do can ever “trivialize” the sacrifices and horrors of what my family went through in the past.

Nothing.

So for you to give ME the power to MITIGATE HISTORY is pretty fucking flattering!

But you know what else it is?

Wrong. Wrong and specious.

I travel all over the U.S. to Leather Conventions. I am invited all over the country to share, lecture, teach and present on MANY topics.

And I have done the class on Race play perhaps a dozen times. Every time it is nerve-wracking for me, because people come in with chips on their shoulders.  I rarely demo scene for these classes. MOSTLY because I can count on one hand the people I trust, for my own reasons, to do this play.  Also because I fear being so vulnerable in front of unknown entities.

That being a potentially hostile audience.

Doing a race play scene in front of a roomful of strangers is walking through the veld with a steak stapled to your ass.

I fear the potential for negativity sliming  me when I am insanely exposed and vulnerable.

But so far I’ve been kept safe. People are present. Sometimes guarded and ready to pounce.

But they listen, and we talk.

Thing about the online medium, it allows you anonymity and distance to say shit you would probably re-think if you were afforded the opportunity to look me in the eye and actually talk to me about these issues. Therefore, I allow for some of the language to roll off of my back. But not all of it.  Because it is important for me to remember how tough this is, and how real. And that is part of the reason I carry on. Because shirking away from it won’t make it go away.

To those who have negative things to say about race play: believe me, I know, more than you who have NEVER fucking DONE IT, what it bloody means.

And for those who wave the flag of “More oppressed than thou:” assume nothing. That is the road to ruin when it comes to truly understanding one another. You. Don’t. Know. My. Heart. Not all of it.

I respect your humanity and your right to not do what I do.  I regret you fail to reciprocate that respect.

So no, I won’t debate. The point of debate is to persuade people to your POV. I have no desire or inclination to do that. My desire and inclination is to suggest ways to open yourself to discussion, dialogue, new and different thoughts.

Because that is my job, actually, when I think about it.

And I make it a point to do my best to kick ass when I have a job to do.

 

Wow. I am blown away. I read the whole interview front to back and my head is spinning. I guess I never really thought about the way we have all been “Puritanically” brainwashed about race. I’m Choctaw Indian and my VERY white Master and I giggle about me being the “captive Indian Squaw to his white man captor” a lot but I never really looked too deeply into the WHY of why its so much fun for me. Thank you for being open and honest about that part where you said you learned that you are “submissive to authority.” I am the same way and have known that for a long time but having the guts to say it out loud is so different from acknowledging it in your own head. I plan to re-read this interview several times as you brought out a lot of seriously important things not just about race play or the kink community but about perceptions and understanding the psychology behind why we fear what we fear.

~Kahlana

May 212009
 

The not-at-all controversial race play class I conducted on Tuesday went well. Good turnout. A good mix of folks. Fantastic feedback. Even some kudos from a VERY skeptical friend who was prepared to be QUITE displeased with the outcome. 

After the bullfuckery of the past week, it was very gratifying to have so much support from other kinky people who, regardless of whether or not they want to engage in this kind of scene, are respectful enough to engage in intelligent discourse.

There was another event parallelling my class and one of the people attending that event came by during our break to say hello, but excused herself well before our break was over.

Being from the south, she wasn’t at all OK with this type of thing, she said, and excused herself.

 Didn’t call me names. Didn’t threaten violence.

 Just. Said. No.

 How hard is this, people?

This morning I was scanning the comments posted on my FetLife account. I was sickened to see someone unknown to me post, in public, on my profile picture, the following comment:

DomWM commented 3 Days Ago: What a gorgeous, ambitious, and accomplished niggergirl…my highest regards.

Yeah.

 Not OK. Not ever.

And I know that people are going to assume I am “Asking for it.”

Well, fuck you, too. Because this is ALL. ABOUT. CONSENT.

And NO CONSENT has been given to ANYONE to abuse me without being

1) Approved by and known to me.

2) Smokin’ hot.

Anyone know knows ANYTHING about my stance on this is well aware of that.

So I just now dashed off this letter to FetLife’s godfather, John Baku:

 

Hey John.

Hope you are doing well.

I will keep this short.

I have two site members who, for similar reasons very with divergent approaches, have overstepped boundaries.

First:

I received a general threat from a site member. His handle is MasterJaye. Specifically, he has in the past attacked me for teaching classes about race play and now took it one step further. On a Yahoo! group for a local dungeon, that hosted a recent class I conducted on Race Play, he made a general threat of violence against anyone he saw engaging in what he determined to be race play.

You can read the test of his post here: http://www.mollena.com/2009/05/whos-lynching-who/

I am notifying you as site owner of this individual’s behaviour. I have blocked him for now, but I think it is unwise to have unstable people such as this on a site that has, as its focus, consensual BDSM and kink.

On to the second issue.

Today I noted a comment on one of my photos.

DomWM commented 3 Days Ago: What a gorgeous, ambitious, and accomplished niggergirl…my highest regards.

I know some people have a “blame the victim” mentality about this sort of thing.
As though the fact that I engage in race play gives anyone and everyone the right to be verbally abusive.
However.
In 12 years of being in the scene, no one nominally in the BDSM community who was not an intimate of mine has ever presumed to refer to me with a racial epithet.
Furthermore, no one would ever presume to assume that someone who referred to themselves as a slave/submissive/bottom has given blanket permission to anyone who thinks of themselves as dominant to grab them about the throat and commence to scening.
I know the position of many is “Well, what do you expect?”
My expectations are not many.

  • I expect to be treated with respect.
  • I expect to be treated as an individual.
  • I expect to be approached civilly.

I do not know what your personal opinion is regarding unsolicited hate speech. Or threats of violence.
I hope it is swift banning of people who are bullies, or who do not comprehend or deliberately flout basic, common sense rules about boundaries.
I eagerly await your action and response
Peace.
Mollena

 

I suspect this is asshole trollism.

But if so…stomp that shit out.

May 192009
 

I usually do become nervous before classes. But tonight it is compounded by the hateful email, the unpleasant reactions on another site about the race play interviews, my own delicately-balanced self-esteem, and feeling more than a little lonely.

It isn’t ever easy to present, and with the gnawing realization that *gasp* someone out there wishes me ill, it becomes tough. Those of you who are “sensitives” might get me on this. Not to go too woo-woo, but fuckit.

There is no demo for the class tonight.  Oh, don’t get me wrong. I angled for one. But got a casual blow-off on it from the person I approached. The vanishingly small group of others with whom I might have done the class were each less than optimal for other reasons.  Corralling my need and approach for aftercare in these situations is a dance I know well. And for many reasons, I really only would have been OK with this one individual helping with the class. But they weren’t interested.

Technically, that is OK. But did it tap my fear of being fucked up? Yeah, it sure did.

I am advised that I am a good presenter regardless if I have  song-and-dance showtime in the class.

But regardless of that, I can say I am honestly glad I don’t have this class scheduled for a long while.

Because it is a certainty that, at the end of tonight, I will crawl into bed with my stuffed elephant and cry.

May 172009
 

It is not the first time that someone has been whipped into enough of a frenzy to excoriate me publicly. Years ago, when I was just talking about race play among  a small group of people, and had only one class under my belt, I took this type of fuckery much more heavily.

Nowadays, I am mostly unruffled by such bullshit.

But today, it went down again, but with an extra twist: someone threatened violence.

 

Hopefully, this so-called class will fail miserably to attract even enough interest to cover the cost of presenting this abomination as “kink”.
 
Forced Black slavery = 60 million known deaths, Ethnic cleansing at the hands of the Nazis = 10 million known deaths, the European takeover of North American = uncalculated deaths that totaled the annihilation of multiple races and the loss forever of countless traditions and ways of life.
 
A really small segment of misguided people, attempting to seek justification in re-enacting that which the public has repeatedly rejected as far to painful, to far too many is again  on a quest to show that anything is acceptable when it is defined as “kink”.
 
This response is written to assure that you are aware of those who will react in the extreme, to any such scenes played out in a public venue. While no one can deny the right of adults to do as they please in private as long as the acts are consensual and non injurious, no one should be dumb enough or uncaring enough to force this issue in a public venue. 
 
For the record, I am one of those militant-minded individuals who will react violently to such a scene, should I to come upon one in public. All should be warned that I am not alone, as such would injure many and they will react most unpleasantly to such a scene.

 

It takes ovaries of steel, really, for me to do what I do and I rarely give myself credit for this. The first time I taught the “race play” class at a national event was Black Rose.  I was very nervous.  Afraid I’d be heckled, booed out of the venue.

However. The room was SRO packed and filled with a broad spectrum (well, broad by Leather Community standards) of kinksters. All curious, all respectful, even when they differed in opinion.

This was gratifying because I’d had my share of abuse heaped on my head. All of it from other POC.

I haven’t ever censored myself out of fear.  I am not about to now.  

Once I saw this message posted on a list associated with the Citadel, where I’ll be presenting my discussion on race play the day after tomorrow, I brought it to the attention of Phil, the Manager of the Citadel. Taking my concerns seriously, he called an old friend of mine, Jay Wiseman, who is a good resource and cautious to a fault. Jay called me and calmed me down a bit. (Thanks dudes.)

Indeed, this is most likely posturing, and the threat wasn’t SPECIFICALLY against ME.

But still…

Over it.

May 152009
 

As a big old Pervert, I’m always glad to get tips from my friends, twisted or not, about the interesting dark matter they unearth here and there. So I was tickled when my buddy Mike Twittered me about this cool looking on Joe Shuster, on of the guys behind the Superman comic.

Somebody needs to explain to Domme Dangerous that full-force face whipping of the the HED is ill-advised!

Somebody needs to explain to Domme Dangerous that full-force face whipping of the the HED is ill-advised!

Then I read the forward by grizzled-ass Stan Lee.

This book lays bare the dramatic story of an enthusiastic, perhaps even inspired, artist who gave the reading public one of its greatest icons, only to become so disillusioned and desperate that he was later forced to accept commissions to draw what amounted to S&M erotic horror books, material that was the diametric opposite of the type of heroic adventure with which he had hoped to make his living—and for which he will ever be known.

The entire story of Joe Shuster, one replete with drama and tragedy, is a tale that has never before been revealed in such a graphic and uncensored manner. Some of the material in the book may seem shocking; some figured strongly in censorship investigations in Congress; but all of it will certainly give you pause as you consider the consequences that can ensue when a gifted man is forced to lend his talent to the most sordid of projects.

Excuse me?!  Fuck you very much, dude!

Yeah I know but…really?

And yes, it may be that the man himself was horrified and ashamed at drawing kinky pr0n. But isn’t it far more interesting to engage with the work for its prurient value to those aficionados of edgy pulp?

By arms-lengthening it, you miss the chance to really see what motivates the market for this particular type of fetish art, and perhaps miss out on some very real insight as to what it takes to produce it.

Also, Stan Lee is just kind of a douchebag, f’realz.

That “EXCELSIOR!” shit always bugged the fuck outta me. You just know he came up with it when he was 12 and waited his whole life to be able to use that word alla time.

But I digress…

Feel free to buy me this book, BTW, so I can…um…research it myself.

Yeah.

That’s the ticket…