The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

The not-at-all controversial race play class I conducted on Tuesday went well. Good turnout. A good mix of folks. Fantastic feedback. Even some kudos from a VERY skeptical friend who was prepared to be QUITE displeased with the outcome. 

After the bullfuckery of the past week, it was very gratifying to have so much support from other kinky people who, regardless of whether or not they want to engage in this kind of scene, are respectful enough to engage in intelligent discourse.

There was another event parallelling my class and one of the people attending that event came by during our break to say hello, but excused herself well before our break was over.

Being from the south, she wasn’t at all OK with this type of thing, she said, and excused herself.

 Didn’t call me names. Didn’t threaten violence.

 Just. Said. No.

 How hard is this, people?

This morning I was scanning the comments posted on my FetLife account. I was sickened to see someone unknown to me post, in public, on my profile picture, the following comment:

DomWM commented 3 Days Ago: What a gorgeous, ambitious, and accomplished niggergirl…my highest regards.


 Not OK. Not ever.

And I know that people are going to assume I am “Asking for it.”

Well, fuck you, too. Because this is ALL. ABOUT. CONSENT.

And NO CONSENT has been given to ANYONE to abuse me without being

1) Approved by and known to me.

2) Smokin’ hot.

Anyone know knows ANYTHING about my stance on this is well aware of that.

So I just now dashed off this letter to FetLife’s godfather, John Baku:


Hey John.

Hope you are doing well.

I will keep this short.

I have two site members who, for similar reasons very with divergent approaches, have overstepped boundaries.


I received a general threat from a site member. His handle is MasterJaye. Specifically, he has in the past attacked me for teaching classes about race play and now took it one step further. On a Yahoo! group for a local dungeon, that hosted a recent class I conducted on Race Play, he made a general threat of violence against anyone he saw engaging in what he determined to be race play.

You can read the test of his post here:

I am notifying you as site owner of this individual’s behaviour. I have blocked him for now, but I think it is unwise to have unstable people such as this on a site that has, as its focus, consensual BDSM and kink.

On to the second issue.

Today I noted a comment on one of my photos.

DomWM commented 3 Days Ago: What a gorgeous, ambitious, and accomplished niggergirl…my highest regards.

I know some people have a “blame the victim” mentality about this sort of thing.
As though the fact that I engage in race play gives anyone and everyone the right to be verbally abusive.
In 12 years of being in the scene, no one nominally in the BDSM community who was not an intimate of mine has ever presumed to refer to me with a racial epithet.
Furthermore, no one would ever presume to assume that someone who referred to themselves as a slave/submissive/bottom has given blanket permission to anyone who thinks of themselves as dominant to grab them about the throat and commence to scening.
I know the position of many is “Well, what do you expect?”
My expectations are not many.

  • I expect to be treated with respect.
  • I expect to be treated as an individual.
  • I expect to be approached civilly.

I do not know what your personal opinion is regarding unsolicited hate speech. Or threats of violence.
I hope it is swift banning of people who are bullies, or who do not comprehend or deliberately flout basic, common sense rules about boundaries.
I eagerly await your action and response


I suspect this is asshole trollism.

But if so…stomp that shit out.

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  1. Gray on May 21, 2009 at 12:41 PM

    I think you are 100% right to call out people who behave like that!

  2. Panthera Pardus on May 21, 2009 at 8:35 PM

    Oh, darlin, more people need assbeatings.

    Yes, someone I’m playing with can swat me on the ass, wrap hands around my throat, or push me around.

    Random stranger? I’m breaking limbs. Lots of them.

    My boyfriend can call me a slut during playtime…anybody else is gonna get an earful of angry.

    That shit isn’t acceptable whatsoever. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

    • Panthera Pardus on May 21, 2009 at 8:39 PM

      And looking on Fetlife, I’d like to apologize on behalf of my state. Grr.

  3. lacedback on May 21, 2009 at 8:42 PM

    I completely agree—being involved in bdsm does not mean any one of us deserve to be smacked or tied up by anyone who pleases, so similarly, no one should think it acceptable to refer to you with a racial slur when they have not established that consent with you.

    Great letter, way to go get ’em!

  4. Eliot on May 24, 2009 at 12:38 PM

    Good on you for reporting them, especially the one who made a threat of violence. That causes a visceral reaction within me, and makes me want to kick ass. Especially when they threaten a friend/someone I care about. And even though it’s only online & we don’t speak all that often, I do consider you a friend, and this sort of shit enrages me.

    You have my full support, sugar, and you always will. Don’t forget you can visit your happy place anytime you need it. :-)

  5. Heidi Anderson on May 27, 2009 at 11:24 AM

    I work with domestic violence/rape victims and have very dark, very violent rape fantasies.

    However, if some asshat were to try to stalk/rape me without my permission, there would be hell to pay. Same thing!

    • Stella on May 28, 2009 at 7:46 PM

      Asshat…love that.

  6. Stella on May 28, 2009 at 7:53 PM

    ok…lets imagine ourselves having that long promised public raceplay scene. Suddenly Dom calls s “n*****” in one of its many incarnations but with that specific word. I have “people” who would have them bounced out on their asses, private scene or no. That you would even approach this topic brings up the matter of those who are still so very uneducated on the depths and lengths and widths and heights of this subject that they really are fucking clueless as to appropriate behavior. For the record, it would about as appropriate to call me that as it would be for me to slit one’s throat for doing so. The threat of violence because they don’t want to see this kind of scene in public stems from the “resistance” to having to calmly deal with whatever triggers them beyond that word. As a top, it must suck ass to be confronted with a situation in which you know that you can not control your reaction. ON that note alone, I feel empathy for the Devil who threatened you…
    having said that…
    Hells fucking no, do you get to just throw your stink around rather than actually address THAT issue like a fucking adult.
    I’m just sayin…

    • Stella on May 28, 2009 at 7:56 PM

      Ok that reads like I am on a full on rant, and I guess I am. I think that
      1. the use of the N word and my own reaction as well as yours, M, gives me a clearer understanding of the Violence throwers reaction and makes me pause at just what would happen if that were thrown out during a scene in a public place

      2. That the loss of control that that world evokes would lead the Violence thrower to threaten violence rather than use the forum to address his concerns about what that kind of play would force us all to have to deal with (either in advance or not) calls his grasp of Control or maturity into question.

      ok… going to have a jar of green olives while I think about this…
      Luv u

  7. Myami on May 30, 2009 at 2:56 PM

    THIS post is just such a brilliant example of speaking truth, behaving with integrity, cutting through bullshit, and being totally asskickingly fabulous. You’ve become a real inspiration to me. Note to self: Fuck shame, and those who would have us be ashamed.