I love kinky people. The community, warts and all, is a home for me. And like any extended weird family, we have our disagreements.
I know for a fact that there will be people reading this who are on the other side of this discussion. But when it comes to talking shit about people who don’t do sex the way we do, I have strong opinions.
When I’m in a room full of kinky people and someone says “I feel so sorry for the poor vanillas. I just don’t get how they could be so lame!” and goes on to expand on how kinky sex is the best way to have intimate relations, that “they” will “never understand” how much “better” our sex is, and I see the majority of people in the room nodding or clucking their tongues sympathetically, I realize something.
We become that which we reject when we paint people who don’t fuck the same way that we do with a broad brush.
The two best lovers I have ever had weren’t “kinky.” According to them. They were sadistic, deliciously sick, fucked up sex maniacs. They slapped me around, said all sorts of horrible shit to me, fucked my brains out, and still felt pretty good about themselves.
Neither one of them had ever taken a Kink class, set foot into a play party, or could tell SSC from WTF.
Now you “Enlightened” perverts can pooh-pooh that and wink knowingly and say “Oh, yeah, they were kinky. They just didn’t know it yet.”
But who the fuck are you to tell people how they should identify?
Kinky sex is NOT, by default, better sex. It is for YOU if you are kinky. People who don’t do BDSM are not all ignorant or unenlightened.
I effectively retired my personal usage of the word “vanilla” when one of these sick fucks told me that he hated that term. He said it was condescending, and the implication that kinky people have any idea what goes on in other people’s bedrooms just because they aren’t fucking around in a dungeon was ridiculous.
And I agreed. Today, I refer to “non-kink identified” people or “non-scene” folks instead.
It is far more difficult to assault the “sad vanillas” when you have to maybe take a moment to think that we aren’t in an “us against them” place. Capping on “vanillas” is not only rude, it is problematic for us as a community.
1) You do not know what “they” are doing in their bedrooms.
Remember: being in the public BDSM community means that, in addition to being kinky you are probably also somewhat exhibitionistic, and have a desire to be public about your sex life. The people you refer to as “vanillas’ might well be doing shit even kinkier than you are doing, but you’d never know it because they consider it to be “none of your business.”
2) “Vanilla” sex is relative.
What is kinky to me might be run-of-the-mill to another person. The aforementioned lover who explained to me that he found the term “vanilla” condescending? He had no problem calling me his “dirty black whore,” while slapping and choking me, ordering me to “suck his white dick” and then shoving his deliciously thick cock up my ass… … mmm … …
… wait, where was I? Fuck. Sorry. SEVERELY distracted for a second.
For HIM, this was run-of-the-mill. For me, this was hot kinky sex. Who is the pervert there?
3) Not being kinky AS FAR AS ANYONE KNOWS shouldn’t relegate someone into an idiot status because of your knee jerk reaction.
This boils me as much as those who slam Christians, Muslims, Mormons, Burners, Catholics…yadda. The actions of some douchebags transcends race, class, religions. And sexuality. How did we, as kinky people, become OK with talking shit about other humans who do it differently than we do? Because they talk shit about us? Is this third grade? Who is unenlightened if your attitude of scorn and ridicule is based on reciprocity because of the perceived actions of the few?
4) Talking shit about “vanillas” takes you out of the loop to be an ambassador and advocate.
The only way ignorance and fear is overcome is through time, practice and exposure. Sitting around lording it over “ignorant, unenlightened vanillas” isn’t going to make you any more accessible to or accountable for the “Community.”
5) By talking shit about “vanillas,” you are AS LAME as the bigoted people you think you are reviling.
Because, yeah, it is bigotry. and now you are a big ole bigot! And that is bad! Because…
6) Bigotry sucks.
The tactic of elevating your own intelligence, sensitivity, enlightenment and awesomeness by disparaging another group is a particularly insidious bigotry. If the thing that makes you a Special Snowflake is being kinky, that is FANtastic. But hopefully you have other stuff going on for you too. And hopefully you are genuinely open to other folk’s lifestyles. Because trashing “vanillas” sure as fuck doesn’t sound bloody accepting to me.
7) Capping on non-kink identified/”vanilla” people is EXACTLY like capping on dykes by saying “you just haven’t met the right man.”
How do you feel when you say, out loud, “Those poor fags…if they only knew the joy of pussy, they’d never suck dick again!”
8) You are a shitty ambassador for Kink if you are condescending and superior.
Being who you are and making it a part of your life is wonderful. Just because someone doesn’t make the same choices you do doesn’t make them a knuckle-dragging bass-ackwards sexual crétin
9) “Vanilla” sex is only “boring” if you do it wrong.