Feb 172010
 

I love perverted sex. In fact, some of the perverted sex I love the most is considered too fucked up for public consumption by other kinky people.

I love kinky people. The community, warts and all, is a home for me.  And like any extended weird family, we have our disagreements.

I know for a fact that there will be people reading this who are on the other side of this discussion. But when it comes to talking shit about people who don’t do sex the way we do, I have strong opinions.

When I’m in a room full of kinky people and someone says “I feel so sorry for the poor vanillas. I just don’t get how they could be so lame!” and goes on to expand on how kinky sex is the best way to have intimate relations, that “they” will “never understand” how much “better” our sex is, and I see the majority of people in the room nodding or clucking their tongues sympathetically, I realize something.

We become that which we reject when we paint people who don’t fuck the same way that we do with a broad brush.

The two best lovers I have ever had weren’t “kinky.” According to them. They were sadistic, deliciously sick, fucked up sex maniacs. They slapped me around, said all sorts of horrible shit to me, fucked my brains out, and still felt pretty good about themselves.

Neither one of them had ever taken a Kink class, set foot into a play party,  or could tell SSC from WTF.

Now you “Enlightened” perverts can pooh-pooh that and wink knowingly and say “Oh, yeah, they were kinky. They just didn’t know it yet.”

But who the fuck are you to tell people how they should identify?

Kinky sex is NOT, by default, better sex. It is for YOU if you are kinky. People who don’t do BDSM are not all  ignorant or unenlightened.

I effectively retired my personal usage of the word “vanilla” when one of these sick fucks told me that he hated that term. He said it was condescending, and the implication that kinky people have any idea what goes on in other people’s bedrooms just because they aren’t fucking around in a dungeon was ridiculous.

And I agreed.  Today, I refer to “non-kink identified” people or “non-scene” folks instead.

It is far more difficult to assault the “sad vanillas” when you have to maybe take a moment to think that we aren’t in an “us against them” place. Capping on “vanillas” is not only rude, it is problematic for us as a community.

1)      You do not know what “they” are doing in their bedrooms.

Remember: being in the public BDSM community means that, in addition to being kinky you are probably also somewhat exhibitionistic, and have a desire to be public about your sex life. The people you refer to as “vanillas’ might well be doing shit even kinkier than you are doing, but you’d never know it because they consider it to be “none of your business.”

2)      “Vanilla” sex is relative.

What is kinky to me might be run-of-the-mill to another person. The aforementioned lover who explained to me that he found the term “vanilla” condescending? He had no problem calling me his “dirty black whore,” while slapping and choking me, ordering me to “suck his white dick” and then shoving his deliciously thick cock up my ass… … mmm … …

… wait, where was I?  Fuck. Sorry. SEVERELY distracted for a second.

Sigh.

Oh yeah.

“Vanillas…”

For HIM, this was run-of-the-mill. For me, this was hot kinky sex. Who is the pervert there?

3)      Not being kinky AS FAR AS ANYONE KNOWS shouldn’t relegate someone into an idiot status because of your knee jerk reaction.

This boils me as much as those who slam Christians, Muslims, Mormons, Burners, Catholics…yadda. The actions of some douchebags transcends race, class, religions. And sexuality. How did we, as kinky people, become OK with talking shit about other humans who do it differently than we do? Because they talk shit about us? Is this third grade? Who is unenlightened if your attitude of scorn and ridicule is based on reciprocity because of the perceived actions of the few?

4)      Talking shit about “vanillas” takes you out of the loop to be an ambassador and advocate.

The only way ignorance and fear is overcome is through time, practice and exposure. Sitting around lording it over “ignorant, unenlightened vanillas” isn’t going to make you any more accessible to or accountable for the “Community.”

5)      By talking shit about “vanillas,” you are AS LAME as the bigoted people you think you are reviling.

Because, yeah, it is bigotry. and now you are  a big ole bigot! And that is bad! Because…

6)      Bigotry sucks.

The tactic of elevating your own intelligence, sensitivity, enlightenment and awesomeness by disparaging another group is a particularly insidious bigotry.  If the thing that makes you a Special Snowflake is being kinky, that is FANtastic. But hopefully you have other stuff going on for you too. And hopefully you are genuinely open to other folk’s lifestyles. Because trashing “vanillas” sure as fuck doesn’t sound bloody accepting to me.

7)      Capping on non-kink identified/”vanilla” people is EXACTLY like capping on dykes by saying “you just haven’t met the right man.”

How do you feel when you say, out loud, “Those poor fags…if they only knew the joy of pussy, they’d never suck dick again!”

8)      You are a shitty ambassador for Kink if you are condescending and superior.

Being who you are and making it a part of your life is wonderful. Just because someone doesn’t make the same choices you do doesn’t make them a knuckle-dragging bass-ackwards sexual crétin

9)      “Vanilla” sex is only “boring” if you do it wrong.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

  50 Responses to ““Vanilla” Bigotry.”

  1. On “The Perverted Negress” ~ My stance on bashing “vanillas” http://www.mollena.com/2010/02/vanilla-b

  2. Here here. I been trying to figure a different term that isn’t so condescending. In scifi fandom we use “mundanes” as a descriptor. Also condescending if you think about it.

    Overall I think terms like this give us opportunity to “turn the tables” and unleash ugly labeling on out labelers. Counter productive and hypocritical if you ask me.

  3. Thanks, M!
    And, may I add… you are being a rather shitty *human being* if you need to be superior and condescending in general about other folks and their proclivities. A big pet peeve of mine. We’re all different in so many ways- isn’t is wonderful? Go do your thing and be curious about others, but lose the attitude– so unattractive!

  4. Totally agree with you on all points.
    It’s like with this “scene” everyone’s having to outdo each other, be kinkier than thou. Many make it seem like you have to pay your dues… doing what, I’m not sure.

  5. Yes, thank you for this! As someone on the very periphery of the Kink scene and not incredibly comfortable with exhibitionism, I could probably be labeled somewhat ‘vanilla’. (Conversely though, to my monogamous, extremely-not-kinky friends in middle America I’m a HUGE FUCKING PERVERT…it’s all relative). I find a lot of this same attitude in the gay community, towards bisexuals. I’ve been told that I just ‘can’t make up my mind’, that I’m disgusting because I like cock AND pussy…etc etc. But then the same people will turn around and scream about the “straights” oppressing them, and what a hard time they have of it.

    Sigh. I think everyone just needs more hugs or something.

    • Brody –

      Who are you and what are you doing in my brain? LOL. You said almost everything I was going to say and nearly the way I would have said it! The only thing I would add is that while most of the sex my husband and I have would probably be termed very “vanilla”, we have an A-FUCKING-MAZING time doing it, and my orgasms aren’t any less mind-blowing just because I don’t get them the same way bonafide “kinksters” would ;P

  6. @saynine My anti vanilla bashin’ post is up! http://www.mollena.com/2010/02/vanilla-b

  7. Amen! Sex, kinky or not, is about getting off in a way that makes you & your partner(s) feel great when it’s all done. Why should it matter how anybody does it? As long as you find a partner(s) who share your passions then I say go for it! How wonderful that we can each find exactly what does it for us & not have to do it just like everybody else. :)
    .-= Nil17´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Feeling Summer in the Winter =-.

  8. Nice post! I have been guilty in the past of saying kinky is better than vanilla. And poly is better than monogamy. And vegetarians are better than meat eaters. And atheists are better than religious folks. And Europeans are better than Americans. And so on. AND I claim to be open-minded! I try to be respectful of people’s choices.

    That said, I love having more options! And sometimes I think education is enlightening. I’ve had many vanilla people discover my site and a whole new world opens up to them. For instance I had one woman realize by reading my adventures that she was repressing her fetish for “old men” and felt liberated to finally accept that desire, that part of herself.
    .-= The Beautiful Kind´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…I Hate Leopard Print =-.

  9. Wonderful. Thank you!

    People get so weird when I do BDSM 101, explain the terms, and then explain if you don’t match all/any of them. So obvious, yet so lost.

    THANK YOU.

  10. Brilliant post! The sad fact for me is that many people that possess the confidence to extol the virtues of sexual liberation and experimentation instead choose to segregate and degenerate, as you rightly point out leaving little room for the role of ambassador. The term ‘vanilla’ dilutes the relativity of sexual experience and in a small minded way ‘labels’ and ‘boxes’, excludes and separates. I have been a confidante to people for years, an impartial advisor and you make a crucial point in that ‘You do not know what people are doing in their bedrooms’, on the whole people are private about their sex lives. I have been surprised, shocked, laughed and cried but overall celebrate the diversity of people’s experiences, as ultimately they are all valid and deserving.
    Thanks for your wit and wisdom it’s much appreciated!

  11. I’m definitely on of the first people who would say that I could never do vanilla sex. However, I’m not bashing on them. I’ve tried it, and it literally can’t get me off. I personally find it boring. However, my best friend in the entire world is pure grade A vanilla. I know this because we talk explicitly about our sex lives. Actually, a handful of my friends describe themselves as vanilla [a term they know from me :P ]it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It is what works for them. I’m not over there telling them their sex lives are boring or would be so much more fulfilling if they added kink, because what works for one person doesn’t work for everyone.

    So while in this post you focus on not knowing if someone is kinky or not because they might keep their kink under wraps, I just wanted to point out that vanilla isn’t bad. Vanilla works for them. It doesn’t work for me.
    .-= jonsbabydoll´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Question from Twitter =-.

  12. Thank-you for writing this. I’d say ‘you took the words out of my mouth’ but you said it better than I ever could.

  13. Wow. I found you here via @PassionandSoul on Twitter, and I love what you’re saying. I also heartily agree with jonsbabydoll’s post above- even if someone is straight-on missionary and THAT’S IT, if they’re happy with that, what right do people have to judge, on either side of the equasion?

    The worst feeling I have with my kink friends is feeling like I’m a second-class citizen because they see me as vanilla. It sucks. I wish more people had your way of thinking…

    Thanks for the rant-post. Definitely keeping this one on my ‘must-read’ list.

  14. As my grandfather always used to say, “Everyone’s a hypocrite.”

  15. […] over at “The Perverted Negress” has written a fantastic article on Vanilla Bigotry, that touched a nerve for both Gabe and I. We’ve each heard kinky friends and acquaintances […]

  16. […] funny, I just went off on this vanilla bashing shit… http://www.mollena.com/2010/02/vanilla-bigotry/ in reply to PassionAndSoul […]

  17. I cannot express my love fully enough to you for this post. Thank you! It bothers me _so much_ when I hear people hating on vanilla sex.

    (Here from Pornocracy)
    .-= Mesix Glorious´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Lovely green! =-.

  18. Great, great post. And I loved your Strangers class at DOWF. It was nice to meet you!
    .-= Truly´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Appropriate… =-.

  19. Another wonderful post hon. And so right. For many, many years my husband and I did some of the most kinky stuff (things many kinksters would cringe at)in the privacy of our own home and without anyone’s knowledge.People assumed we were totally hard-core vanilla through and through. So you are right, just because someone doesn’t SEEM kinky, don’t just automatically assume they are vanilla. We are not into all kinks, I’m not sure anyone is into everything. But we do maintain a “live and let live” attitude about kink/BDSM/Vanilla. I try not to bash anyone. And hopefully they will do likewise for me. Hugs always.
    .-= thepinkpoppet´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…The Flight Attendants =-.

  20. […] “Vanilla” Bigotry – I effectively retired my personal usage of the word “vanilla” when one of these sick fucks told me that he hated that term. He said it was condescending, and the implication that kinky people have any idea what goes on in other people’s bedrooms just because they aren’t fucking around in a dungeon was ridiculous. […]

  21. […] “Vanilla” Bigotry – I effectively retired my personal usage of the word “vanilla” when one of these sick fucks told me that he hated that term. He said it was condescending, and the implication that kinky people have any idea what goes on in other people’s bedrooms just because they aren’t fucking around in a dungeon was ridiculous. […]

  22. […] “Vanilla” Bigotry – I effectively retired my personal usage of the word “vanilla” when one of these sick fucks told me that he hated that term. He said it was condescending, and the implication that kinky people have any idea what goes on in other people’s bedrooms just because they aren’t fucking around in a dungeon was ridiculous. […]

  23. […] “Vanilla” Bigotry – I effectively retired my personal usage of the word “vanilla” when one of these sick fucks told me that he hated that term. He said it was condescending, and the implication that kinky people have any idea what goes on in other people’s bedrooms just because they aren’t fucking around in a dungeon was ridiculous. […]

  24. I do use the term Vanilla / Nilla, but I don’t use it in a perjorative sense. I personally feel it *is* possible to use the term vanilla without it being meant offensively.

    Still, a great post – thanks!

    LF x
    .-= LivingFire´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Review: Rocks Off Ass Berries – Blackberry =-.

  25. […] “Vanilla” Bigotry – I effectively retired my personal usage of the word “vanilla” when one of these sick fucks told me that he hated that term. He said it was condescending, and the implication that kinky people have any idea what goes on in other people’s bedrooms just because they aren’t fucking around in a dungeon was ridiculous. […]

  26. […] “Vanilla” Bigotry – I effectively retired my personal usage of the word “vanilla” when one of these sick fucks told me that he hated that term. He said it was condescending, and the implication that kinky people have any idea what goes on in other people’s bedrooms just because they aren’t fucking around in a dungeon was ridiculous. […]

  27. […] “Vanilla” Bigotry – I effectively retired my personal usage of the word ìvanillaî when one of these sick fucks told me that he hated that term. He said it was condescending, and the implication that kinky people have any idea what goes on in other peopleís bedrooms just because they arenít fucking around in a dungeon was ridiculous. […]

  28. :laughs:

    I’ve been trying to explain to people in another group that my wife considers herself to be very vanilla. She hates using the terms “kink”, “domination”, or anything else related to the BDSM world. I’ve asked her, and in her mind, she’s more vanilla than a half-gallon of Breyers ice cream.

    Yet, when you try to ask her how she reconciles “vanilla” with her kink for locking me in a chastity device for months at a time, and only allowing me to have sex with her either with a strap-on, or the “regular way” but without orgasm, she denies that it’s kinky in any way, shape, or form. It’s “just something that she likes to do,” and doesn’t make her at all kinky.

    I’ve learned not to argue, since it doesn’t get me anywhere.
    .-= Tom Allen´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…e[lust] #9 =-.

  29. […] “Vanilla” Bigotry – I effectively retired my personal usage of the word “vanilla” when one of these sick fucks told me that he hated that term. He said it was condescending, and the implication that kinky people have any idea what goes on in other people’s bedrooms just because they aren’t fucking around in a dungeon was ridiculous. […]

  30. I so agree about Vanilla Bigotry. That is something that has long bothered me too. I cringe a little every time someone uses that label. I think it is so wrong to have the attitude that everything and everyone not blatantly kinky is thereby vanilla. I especially love finding ordinary things and making them erotic or kinky, with the right person/ setting/ a little privacy. Also, to label someone vanilla without knowing all the intimate details of their romantic/ fantasy/ sexual lives is silly. In general, I just don’t like the anti-vanilla attitude.

    I would not want to live the lifestyle 24/7. It’s not for me, mainly because I love just being me, all the parts of me not just sections of me. I don’t want to have part of my life and the things I love forced to be strictly vanilla when I can usually find a way to enjoy them on a kinky level too. It is all a part of what makes me the whole person I am.

  31. While I certainly understand (and agree completely) with your sentiment, I have a use for “vanilla”; it’s a label, just like sadist, masochist or dare I say..simply “kinky”. It’s a starting spot, an identifying marker. I refer only to people who consider what we do-or at least say they do, we don’t know what they really do in their private moments-in some way negative, weird, or even simply unpleasant as vanilla, it does not to me indicate simply those who do not have kinky sex. Pat Robertson is a vanilla, for example. He says I’m a fornicator.

    It would be a shame to toss out a useful word, just because some douchebags throw it around improperly.

  32. […] now, it might be news to hear that Mollena has stirred the proverbial hornets nest with her post, “Vanilla” Bigotry. I’ve been waiting for the dust to settle and discussions to be had before jumping in with my […]

  33. I just saw this post today and am so glad to read it. We met for like 5 minutes at Sex 2.0 and I could tell you were someone I had to get to know better. I’m taking my non-kinky boyfriend (who has been referred to as Mr. Vanilla) to Frolicon and am glad that you’ll be there. Someone needed to say this soooo much and thank you for being the one to do it.
    .-= Ellie´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Strong hands =-.

  34. […] “Vanilla” Bigotry – I effectively retired my personal usage of the word “vanilla” when one of these sick fucks told me that he hated that term. He said it was condescending, and the implication that kinky people have any idea what goes on in other people’s bedrooms just because they aren’t fucking around in a dungeon was ridiculous. […]

  35. […] “Vanilla” Bigotry – I effectively retired my personal usage of the word “vanilla” when one of these sick fucks told me that he hated that term. He said it was condescending, and the implication that kinky people have any idea what goes on in other people’s bedrooms just because they aren’t fucking around in a dungeon was ridiculous. […]

  36. I think how the word might be used matters a lot. If it’s in condescension, “oh, those poor vanilla people, they’re missing out”, then I believe it’s wrong and agree with you wholeheartedly. But as a general descriptor, like “kinky” or “perverted”, I don’t really see the problem.
    .-= hubman´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Day 73- Doggie Style =-.

  37. […] “Vanilla” Bigotry – I effectively retired my personal usage of the word “vanilla” when one of these sick fucks told me that he hated that term. He said it was condescending, and the implication that kinky people have any idea what goes on in other people’s bedrooms just because they aren’t fucking around in a dungeon was ridiculous. […]

  38. […] “Vanilla” Bigotry — I effect­ively retired my per­sonal usage of the word ìvanil­laî when one of these sick fucks told me that he hated that term. He said it was con­des­cend­ing, and the implic­a­tion that kinky people have any idea what goes on in other peopleís bed­rooms just because they arenít fuck­ing around in a dun­geon was ridiculous. […]

  39. […] “Vanilla” Bigotry – I effectively retired my personal usage of the word “vanilla” when one of these sick fucks told me that he hated that term. He said it was condescending, and the implication that kinky people have any idea what goes on in other people’s bedrooms just because they aren’t fucking around in a dungeon was ridiculous. […]

  40. If a loving couple just have “vanilla” sex, once a month but are both contented and happy with that then that’s what works for them. I am very envious of some of my friend’s “vanilla” relationships . . . they are happy, seem to have great sex and are satisfied . . . if they are happy and contented who are we or anybody to say, “they ain’t doing it right!”
    .-= Willing Submissive´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…A thank you to Madame Cyn, The Sun and the Gratton Catalogue thing! =-.

  41. […] been meaning to weigh in on this since Mollena posted about Vanilla Bigotry.  But it sort of slipped my mind until I saw today’s Word of the Week over at Eden Cafe.  […]

  42. […] themselves with my cunt. And so many partners, each with their own way of connecting with me. “Vanilla” Bigotry – I effectively retired my personal usage of the word “vanilla” when one of these sick […]

  43. […] “Vanilla” Bigotry – I effectively retired my personal usage of the word “vanilla” when one of these sick fucks told me that he hated that term. He said it was condescending, and the implication that kinky people have any idea what goes on in other people’s bedrooms just because they aren’t fucking around in a dungeon was ridiculous. […]

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.