Just holding on.

I usually do become nervous before classes. But tonight it is compounded by the hateful email, the unpleasant reactions on another site about the race play interviews, my own delicately-balanced self-esteem, and feeling more than a little lonely.

It isn’t ever easy to present, and with the gnawing realization that *gasp* someone out there wishes me ill, it becomes tough. Those of you who are “sensitives” might get me on this. Not to go too woo-woo, but fuckit.

There is no demo for the class tonight.  Oh, don’t get me wrong. I angled for one. But got a casual blow-off on it from the person I approached. The vanishingly small group of others with whom I might have done the class were each less than optimal for other reasons.  Corralling my need and approach for aftercare in these situations is a dance I know well. And for many reasons, I really only would have been OK with this one individual helping with the class. But they weren’t interested.

Technically, that is OK. But did it tap my fear of being fucked up? Yeah, it sure did.

I am advised that I am a good presenter regardless if I have  song-and-dance showtime in the class.

But regardless of that, I can say I am honestly glad I don’t have this class scheduled for a long while.

Because it is a certainty that, at the end of tonight, I will crawl into bed with my stuffed elephant and cry.

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  1. Dev on May 19, 2009 at 6:28 PM

    Hang in there. What you are doing is valuable.

  2. Jenny on May 19, 2009 at 6:36 PM

    Well… I LOVE YOU!

    *Big fat hug*

  3. Corey Alexander on May 19, 2009 at 7:05 PM

    Am thinking about you as I know the class begins soon. I find you incredibly brave to be so open and naked about your desires and kinks. Sending you support from the East Coast.

  4. Kat on May 19, 2009 at 9:23 PM

    It breaks my heart to see you so sad, especially because it was a subject you know well and a class you enjoy teaching. Dont let em win!

  5. Utica on May 20, 2009 at 1:01 AM

    i agree with kat! don’t let them win. i know that it’s so hard to be open and up front about what your desires are,but it’s such an important subject to discuss (in my opinion ). i commend your courage love.

    stay strong, don’t give up the good fight ;)

  6. Saynine on May 20, 2009 at 2:11 PM


    I have said it in bits and pieces today but I just want to reiterate how much your class last night moved @jewelgen and me.

    We knew going in that we would most likely leave with much to think about and probably psychically jarred. What we did not expect is the most profound internal revelations had nothing to do with “Race Play” or “Taboo Play” at all, but with examining and the way we use what we have to play with concepts that are both frightening and revealing of ourselves.

    As a Sadist I have often struggled with the duality of my nature as a protector and someone who receives pleasure at the pain and suffering of others that I care about. By examining this through the platform of Race Play as you presented it I have been able to take a more meaningful approach to accepting the innate nature of my kink.

    I could not help but also realize that it is your nature to allow yourself to suffer the abuse heaped by the small minded, to bring about revelation and growth of others.

    Thank you and much hugs,

  7. Stella on May 20, 2009 at 10:27 PM

    I am looking at the photo of you on the Left here…the one above the last one. In it, you are a muse…there is something in you that is ancient and young at the same time…the Quan Yin spirit and the teacher/sufferer. I love you to pieces..to the moon and back and what you bring to the universe from your Sex worker drag at Pride to your consistent insistence of showing us the underbelly with pride. You are uniquely adapt. Thank you for what you bring.

  8. Panthera Pardus on May 21, 2009 at 8:29 PM

    One of these days I’m going to travel my ass somewhere to see you teach, and I have a feeling it’s going to rock my world.

    You keep inspiring me to think about myself, both within the realm of kink and without. I don’t want these asshats to stop your introspection or your sharing.

    Let the haters hate. I’ll happily bite ’em for ya.