Too many people, overwhelmingly on the bottom / submissive side of the kink equation, have a tendency to have a â€œlet it slideâ€ attitude.
You meet someone, they are very aggressive on the first date, move too fast, but because you emerge unscathed, you â€œlet it slide.â€
Someone pushes a limit, but maybe you didnâ€™t make it clearâ€¦maybe it is your faultâ€¦so you â€œlet it slide.â€
Someone talks about you to another person in a manner that is derogatory or too personal or just makes you uncomfortable and rather than addressing them directly about your feelings you â€œlet it slide.â€
Well, fucking stop that shit.
People in the BDSM community are not always awesome thoughtful, kick-ass people. Microcosm, not utopia, people. And Epic Feats of Douchebaggery are committed my LOTS of…well…douchebags. Sometimes it is simply ignorance. But often, they have been trained to think this fucktarded behaviour is, like Jesus, just allright.
When you â€œlet it slideâ€ you fuck shit up in several ways.
- You set yourself up for second-guessing your instinct.
- You leave the offender with the idea that their behaviours were OK with you.
- You teach them that their behaviour is fine.
- You ding your self-esteem because you failed to adequately maintain your boundaries.
- You leave the people downstream of you ripe to hear â€œWell, [REDACTED] never said that was a problemâ€¦it must be you.â€
I know we do not have responsibility to protect every other person around us. But if we were just a little more attentive and thoughtful as to how our behaviour may impact other people, the Leather Community as a whole may well benefit.
I recently heard tell of a few situations that left me very cold. Allow me to outline 2 of them here.
One was a casual date between 2 kink people. At the end of the date (mind you NO NEGOTIATIONS HAD TAKEN PLACE) the top went in for the goodnight kiss and then slapped the bottom’s face.
That would be hot and sexy IF THE BOTTOM HAD CONSENTED.
But they had NOT.
The bottom apparently did not immediately inform the top that this was unacceptable behaviour.
The problem I see it this: it might be fine for that particular bottom to address this situation in this non-confrontational manner. But what about the next person that dominant slaps? What if they suffer from TMJ? Fibromyalgia? A hard psychological limit about face-slapping due to PTSD?
A second situation was one in which a bottom straight-up lied to get out of a shitty playdate. The top had said they were capable and experienced…and that was a bald-faced lie. Rather than stating that, the bottom had a friend call and faked an emergency.
Rather than saying â€œYou are not at all who you said you were in terms of experience. Iâ€™m leaving.â€ The bottom put themselves into a position to use deceit to get out of a situation that, as it was described, seems pretty tame. Lame and uncomfortable, but tame.
We teach one another how to behave. Â How does your failure to stand up for yourself instruct the person who pushes, dismisses or abuse you?
I am not â€œblaming the victimsâ€ nor am I implying that I know everything about the psyche of the people involved in these scenarios.
I AM saying that being honest and straightforward can shift a flawed interaction into a place of growth and learning.
Empower yourself. Never give up your power non-consensually.
Take care of yourself AND your fellow kinksters by fostering honest interactions.
Value your safety and sanity enough to make it ABSOLUTELY CLEAR when your limits and boundaries are overstepped.
Youâ€™ll find yourself in a much brighter place in the aftermath of a difficult situation if you maintain your integrity. REGARDLESS.