Don’t let it slide.

Booya!Too many people, overwhelmingly on the bottom / submissive side of the kink equation, have a tendency to have a “let it slide” attitude.

You know.

You meet someone, they are very aggressive on the first date, move too fast, but because you emerge unscathed, you “let it slide.”

Someone pushes a limit, but maybe you didn’t make it clear…maybe it is your fault…so you “let it slide.”

Someone talks about you to another person in a manner that is derogatory or too personal or just makes you uncomfortable and rather than addressing them directly about your feelings you “let it slide.”

Well, fucking stop that shit.

People in the BDSM community are not always awesome thoughtful, kick-ass people. Microcosm, not utopia, people. And Epic Feats of Douchebaggery are committed my LOTS of…well…douchebags. Sometimes it is simply ignorance. But often, they have been trained to think this fucktarded behaviour is, like Jesus, just allright.

When you “let it slide” you fuck shit up in several ways.

  • You set yourself up for second-guessing your instinct.
  • You leave the offender with the idea that their behaviours were OK with you.
  • You teach them that their behaviour is fine.
  • You ding your self-esteem because you failed to adequately maintain your boundaries.
  • You leave the people downstream of you ripe to hear “Well, [REDACTED] never said that was a problem…it must be you.”

I know we do not have responsibility to protect every other person around us. But if we were just a little more attentive and thoughtful as to how our behaviour may impact other people, the Leather Community as a whole may well benefit.

I recently heard tell of a few situations that left me very cold. Allow me to outline 2 of them here.

One was a casual date between 2 kink people. At the end of the date (mind you NO NEGOTIATIONS HAD TAKEN PLACE) the top went in for the goodnight kiss and then slapped the bottom’s face.

That would be hot and sexy IF THE BOTTOM HAD CONSENTED.

But they had NOT.

The bottom apparently did not immediately inform the top that this was unacceptable behaviour.

The problem I see it this: it might be fine for that particular bottom to address this situation in this non-confrontational manner. But what about the next person that dominant slaps? What if they suffer from TMJ? Fibromyalgia? A hard psychological limit about face-slapping due to PTSD?

A second situation was one in which a bottom straight-up lied to get out of a shitty playdate. The top had said they were capable and experienced…and that was a bald-faced lie. Rather than stating that, the bottom had a friend call and faked an emergency.

Rather than saying “You are not at all who you said you were in terms of experience. I’m leaving.” The bottom put themselves into a position to use deceit to get out of a situation that, as it was described, seems pretty tame. Lame and uncomfortable, but tame.

We teach one another how to behave.  How does your failure to stand up for yourself instruct the person who pushes, dismisses or abuse you?

I am not “blaming the victims” nor am I implying that I know everything about the psyche of the people involved in these scenarios.

I AM saying that being honest and straightforward can shift a flawed interaction into a place of growth and learning.

Empower yourself. Never give up your power non-consensually.

Take care of yourself AND your fellow kinksters by fostering honest interactions.

Value your safety and sanity enough to make it ABSOLUTELY CLEAR when your limits and boundaries are overstepped.

You’ll find yourself in a much brighter place in the aftermath of a difficult situation if you maintain your integrity. REGARDLESS.


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  1. Ten on October 6, 2009 at 4:16 PM

    I have to agree with this post, having experienced a similar situation in which I did not immediately nip a case of sexual harassment in the bud at my new job. I eventually did, after having an episode of mass douchebaggery myself and drinking myself into oblivion to avoid dealing with it. This led to a.) sobriety for at least 30 days and b.) coming clean at my job.

    I have to say, the gentleman has been surprisingly understanding. He understands he crossed the line and that I hadn’t said anything because I was anxious/conflicted about how to approach it. He was only aggravated because I “let it slide”. Lesson learned.

    • mollena on October 9, 2009 at 11:55 AM

      Heya Ten :-)

      You have my complete and total sympathy AND empathy, sweetie, on many levels.

      Some lessons are fastballs to the face, and you just gotta take ’em and pick yourself back up.

      Having done that MANY times, I can say it is one of those “Character Building” things that just sucks balls.



  2. Bad Bad Girl on October 6, 2009 at 7:00 PM

    This is a fantastic post. I am so guilty of this, and not always in a BDSM sense, but just in person relationships/ casual sex. I want to scream “I DIDN’T CONSENT TO BEING TREATED THIS WAY!!!” But I don’t- I let it slide.

    I will try to keep this in mind. Thank you, Mo,
    .-= Bad Bad Girl´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…shameful =-.

    • mollena on October 9, 2009 at 11:53 AM

      And thank you for reading! It is very easy to do nothing and very hard to undo what doing nothing can do.

      The few regrets I have in my life revolve around my failure to stand up for myself or to stand down those who would treat me poorly. I strive to never repeat those moments.


      .-= mollena´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…A Moment of Silence… =-.

  3. Sascha on October 11, 2009 at 10:43 AM

    I have to stand up and cheer for this post. It’s true that unless a bottom is upfront with his or her limits, and models good behavior for the douchebag top, the douchebag top is guaranteed to stay that way. There is no chance for that top to develop any sort of learning curve.

    Lord knows it’s fucking hard to be that honest. Truth be told, there are times in my life when I wish I were better at being more assertive and upfront with my own boundaries.

    So I guess the learning curve goes both ways.
    .-= Sascha´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Forgiveness =-.