And that’s a wrap.

I want to thank the folks at Kinkfest once again. What a well-run event, and how much of an honor it is to be able to spend time there.  Even if I weren’t presenting, I’d attend KinkFest. They do a smashing job.Skin Two: Electric Boogaloo. Deepest Kudos to Mike. His patience and generosity towards me were remarkable.

These days, going to BDSM events is no longer a “Vacation” from “Real life” for me.  Alternative Lifestyle stuff IS my job right now. And so it is kind of surreal to wake up after spending 4 days awash in leather and kink and think “OK, back to…umm…back to the porn and the cock-shots and the videos of people conducting themselves scandalously!”

People often ask me if I’ve “Had a good time?” at BDSM events, once I return. Usually they want to hear tales of ribaldry, hot scenes, sordid sex, tawdry encounters…I can say I haven’t many. In the past year, I’ve been asked to play at a BDSM event…once.  I’m not complaining about that.  I’d trade any number of standard-issue scenes for that particular encounter.

But it is an odd rift to receive the support and awesome feedback that I do when I present and, at the end of the night, go back to my room alone.  This might sound pathetic, but I avoided even going to the Dungeon playspace because the thought of watching so much of the energy and heat and connection that permeates big play parties race past me and know I had no outlet was too daunting a prospect.

At the end of the weekend, a friend I’ve gotten to know a bit online who was also in attendance was kind enough to come to meet me for breakfast. As I was pissing and moaning being single at a big KinkCon, he pointed out that it isn’t always easy for dominants and tops to approach submissives.  Not that I was unapproachable, but that the whole situation is skewed.

So…dominants have a tough time approaching submissives? 

Yeah, I know, they’re only human.

But Jeebus, ain’t that their fucking job? To swagger in, grab you by the throat and sweep you to your knees?

Yeah, way to set the bar impossibly high, Mo.

I realize I have a rather unique set of benchmarks for my submission. I’ve rarely done anything that would look like a kinky courtship. My history is such that I’ve been pretty much smitten from the get-go by anyone towards whom I was inclined to submit.  I have knee-jerk visceral reactions and voila, I’m on the ground in tears wondering what truck hit me.

I love that.

And that is a tall order.

I’m not unapproachable. I know I am easy to talk to, to embrace, that I listen well. I know I am compassionate with people, and I’d never be harsh or cruel. But that does not, my friend assured me, make it any easier for people, especially dominants, to make that approach.

On the one hand fine. I mean, if you don’t think you can take me down…well…you can’t.

This also means that I don’t get swarms of douchebags skeeving me, and I don’t have to fend off poseurs all of the time.

I think I can live with this.

My new friend did make sure to warn me that I’ll not be safe from him next we are within proximity.

And I think I can live with that too.

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  1. Kat on March 31, 2009 at 4:36 PM

    Thanks for sharing. I have to say that I envy you. If I could find a job in the city I loved (San Francisco but hell, even here cuz I love the mountains) and that saw my personality type as an asset rather than a reputation/PR/nonconformity issue…I would be happy. Im lying if I said tht I did not envy that about you.

    People think that about me when I go to the fan-based conventions (non-BDSM) I go to. I go and I have alot of fun. In my case, I have the opposite. Since I do have a boyfriend, some people have not approached me. Either it is because they think that Im unreachable, unavailable or they dont realize that Stego and I are not in the traditional relationship type. Aside from that, people think because of some mysterious factor, that Im “out of thier league”. That always floors me.

    • mollena on April 1, 2009 at 10:29 PM

      People create a great many obstacles for themselves in their heads, don’t they?

      If more people realized how attractive lust made them, there would be many happier humans on this rocky watery planet.




  2. Casey on March 31, 2009 at 5:19 PM

    I’m a switch, and I find that it’s really hard to approach people, top or bottom, period. I’ve done pick-up play and casual stuff and volunteered as a demo bottom for people I barely knew because I wanted attention, and sometimes it was good and sometimes… not so much… but I always learned a lot. But yeah, it’s hard to go back to my room alone, and it’s even harder to wander around a play space watching people play and feeling alone.

    I’m not ever likely to walk up to someone and just grab them by the throat unless I’m pretty damn sure they’re not going to reject me, and probably wouldn’t respond well to being on the receiving end of that approach from someone I wasn’t already playing with either… not a judgement, just a comment on my own insecurities. I’m usually up for a good conversation, though. I’d love to have one with you sometime.

    • mollena on April 1, 2009 at 10:45 PM

      Hi there!

      You are absolutely right 9,999 time out of 10K, I’d be likely to take out anyone hubristic enough to do that shit to me. But i have had rather stunning fortune in my life thus far. And this particular fortune revolves around the fact that the people who have treated me in that way have been absolutely on target with their assumptions.

      The first person who ever pulled that shit on me, when I later asked him what the fuck he through he was ding, just grinned and said he just has instinct on it. I asked him if the instinct had ever been wrong, or landed him in jail. He thought a while, and said he could recall one instance where the object of his brutal advances gave him The Look and he immediately backed off.

      A delicate dance. To say the least.

      (for more on that rogue, you can read this

      and this

      …and as to conversations on this topic…I’m always down!

      Thank you for stopping in!



  3. Freakbear on March 31, 2009 at 11:19 PM

    As someone that has thoughts on this… ;) it can be very difficult at times. I was just talking about this again with another friend, and discussing how there are some people in the scene that will come up and meet someone for the first time and then grab a handful of hair… (Sometimes referred to as a Portland Negotiation)

    That will never be me. well… ok.. .maybe once or twice… I have heard enough submissive/bottoms comment/rant about how presumptuous this person or that person was, and who do they think they (the sub) is to be handled that way, and ask before you touch, etc. etc. etc.

    I will admit that I can be a play slut. I can play with pretty much anyone, female, male, sub, slave, bottom, switch etc, and have fun… but these people are very much so periphery individuals.

    However if there is someone specific that catches my eye and my brain, then they are someone that I am not going to be potentially indifferent if there is an ongoing element to things. If I am asking someone to play it means that I am hoping that (depending on the overall situation) there will be lots of play… so as a result, I do not want to approach someone full of Domly Do-Right-ness and have them be the type of person that needs to go through the six degrees of separation and check references and run a DNA scan and and and…


    Then there is always that case that you might run into that beautiful, curvaceous, creature that gets creamy at being grabbed by the hair, pressed into a wall… and whispered into their ear that before you are done with them they are going to be a puddle of slobbering, whimpering girlmeat at my boots…

    and instead you just start chatting them up and behind the smile and cordial conversation they are thinking NOPE…..NEXT!

    But on a rare occasion, after careful donut bribery, you can find a way to split it down the middle and it is a WIN!

    You are a super, wonderful, approachable woman, and I look forward to that next time you are in proximity… >:)


    • mollena on April 2, 2009 at 7:44 PM