Sep 112009
 

“I am never impressed by sheer brutality in BDSM. I AM impressed when someone can evoke a DESIRE for sheer brutality in BDSM.” ~Mollena

This occurred to me as I was reading page upon page of profiles on a couple of kink oriented sites where dominants were talking about how hardcore they were. Strict dominant this,  and bend you to my will that and posturing and preening as though all of the badassery in the world were enough to make them desirable partners in the tango cum chess-match cum hand-to-hand combat cum lovemaking that is BDSM.

black_flowerWell, it isn’t.

When I encounter the concept of “breaking” in a slave, I realize that paradigm still doesn’t work for me. I can’t be “broken” and remain useful. Brutality isn’t the lead-in for successful power-exchange. I believe there to many reasons for this.

One reason is that most people who are planning on launching such brutal attacks are, at the core, wishing to remain in consensual headspace. Whether you adhere to SSC or RACK, the fact is that, eventually, you’ll stop. That is the point.  SO! Assuming that you can keep dominating until the bottom submits in a shaky premise, at best. As a responsible dominant, you are obligated to refrain from damaging the physical and / or emotional health of the bottom. The paradox of “breaking” comes into focus thusly: if the bottom, sub or slave is willing to really relinquish that control and let yo do “whatever you want,” are you really going to push to structural failure?

The visual of a palm tree bending in gale force winds comes to mind. All of that frontal assault and energy and the tree survives the fury.

What amazes me, again and again, no matter how long I am involved in BDSM is That Moment. That Moment where I consciously let someone  hurt me, and desire it, too. Even to the point of truly drinking in the darkest of energies.

I was in scene once with a friend I’d known for a while and played with quite frequently. Tied, face down as I was, I couldn’t see his face too well when he held me down even more firmly to the bed and started biting my neck. Right at that sensitive crease where the shoulder slips to throat.

At first it was sexy, pleasurable, but then…less so. Then just painful. And soon after that it started to hurt in a way that tore away the fleeting wisps of subspace and scared me enough to motivate me to twist my head around in the grip of his teeth and gaze above and behind me to where I could see part of his face. I was somewhat paralyzed from pain and the beginnings of real fear clawed at my throat when I made eye contact with him and realized I couldn’t. Not really. Not “me-to-him” contact.

He was in some other frame of mind. And even as I finally whispered something to him the only effect was to further darken and empty his affect and he bit down.

Harder.

I was holding my breath and was not sure how this would end and then all at once I was…absolutely fine with him ripping open my shoulder if that was what he wanted. His breathing was calm and his bite was inexorable and I wanted to know what it would be like to be torn into like that.

Rational? No. But it was one of the first times I was experiencing the depth of my submissiveness in this way. The absolute sensation of wanting something I ought not want because it was the will of someone else. It was a combination, of course, of fear and pain that pushed me there.

But it laid a groundwork for me and made me question what it takes to get me to fully surrender.

After years of play and partners and trials and tribulations I realized that is it simple.

It is the simple expression of desire of someone towards whom I feel submissive.

I’ve played with people who assume that, because they’ve seen me play, they can go to town and beat the crap out of me. And that doesn’t really fly, because I can certainly make it known I am not enjoying that, and the scenes drain away fairly quickly.

I am not impressed by you punishing my body. That means little to me, emotionally. I am not, at heart, a masochist. My masochism is only reachable by someone who manages to make me understand that what they need, more than anything in that moment, is to get off on hurting me.

Make me want it.

If you have the capacity to look me in the eye with that smile slow measured breath in my ear hard cock pressed against me hand on my throat and pull from the depth of me the words echoing from within me mirrored in your own desire in your own words ‘”I want to hurt you…” and I’m yours.

Have it.

Tears

pleas

sobs

blood

sweat

skin.

abasement

oblivion

me.

Have it because you’ve convinced me that you MUST have it.  That no-one else will do, and that you know, beyond the shadow of my doubts, that I need this too.

THEN we begin the play.

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  35 Responses to “Make me want it.”

  1. This is one of the many reasons I’m not even looking for a man in the kink community.because in most play that involves pain, I need for there to be also the love & the sex that “everybody” assumes are a part of the scene but aren’t necessarily.
    I want to be able to submit. But I can’t. Not to someone who is making me laugh because they are too fucking domly for words or because there is no sexual attraction. And if I am going to let someone cause me pain, I need for them to be able to, and want to , also give me pleasure, and comfort.
    I don’t really play at all, in the BDSM context. Sure, once in a while while I am hanging around in the rope I’ll get clamped, or swatted, but that pretty fluffy and doesn’t bother me. But in the one really intense scene I’ve done, the most disturbing thing about it was that even though he & I were both clear that sex wasn’t going to be involved, and I wasn’t the least bit sexually attracted to him anyway,I found out that the only aftercare I would have wanted was some god hard fucking and I didn’t want him and didn’t have anybody else.And that bugged me so much I tried to bring it up on Tribe one day. Some people can possibly remember *that* Train Wreck!
    I can’t ever consider myself a Submissive. I’m way too alpha, way to dominant myself.But never really wanted to Be a Dominant, in practice. I don’t like hurting people!Still, Alpha Girl seeks Alpha Boy. Objective: Power Struggle. One that I can allow myslef to Lose.

    • Interestingly, my last LTR was with a guy who wasn’t from the kink community at all. He was a total freaky pervert and really spectacular in bed. And that worked out just fine.

      Being limited by role isn’t the way everyone rolls…and being dominant has little to do with causing people pain. Domination encompasses the emotional and mental control of another person. The desire to cause people pain moves into the realm of sadism. There are dominant slaves and masochistic Mistresses. It all is about what works for YOU and not what other people have to say about it!

      Mo

  2. Thank you! This is one of the most beautiful insights into submission (and how much it takes to be a dominant) that I have ever had a pleasure to read…

  3. very subtly you touched on what for me is a HUGE point. “someone to whom i feel submissive”

    i dont know how it is for you; for me that submissive things is almost lkke a chemical reactuon, there is this secret formula that i dont even know that if its part of that person my autonomous reaction to them is to submit. like baking soda reacts to vinegar; often times without my even being aware of it (i personally feel submission isnt manifested only by play)

    my limits are HUGELY driven by my (unconscious) measure of the other person’s strengths esp on the emotional aspect as i personally have found that area to be the most difficult for men.

    im sure this is a huge DUH!! for most but it was a huge thing when i did an activity with a gent that i really could have lived without. doing that for a lover who you care about sure!!! but a mere dom who is not a heart relationship too? i was soooo confused about how i didnt enjoy the activity but enjoyed giving him what he asked. to this day i cant understand the part of me that wanted to serve in that fashion or how the hell he got me there. i sacrifice for those i love without a thought but some man that knows how to pull hair & growl?? no fucking clue and i hate that most. lol

  4. I wish like hell I could find that connection and heat with someone. Preferably the SAME someone…

  5. Hello? The brain is the most important sexual organ. Anyone who says otherwise can spank his monkey in his basement until his hand turns blue.

  6. what do you wish…. and can you deal…. when you walk on the wild side, you best be ready for whatever comes your
    way … when I was in-country … there were areas where all bets were off… and you had better be large and in charge
    or you were rolled cold and on the side…. the same here… just how deep is your funk …. can you go the distance…
    or do you play it like on TV…… if you wish to be all you can be …. ya better lean into it and go for the gusto…. or just enjoy the view…. ’cause there ain’t no baby steps here and some dudes will come at you on a very real tip….

    lamesabassman… at times … you gotta know when to say when… yeah, I know you’re a woman and you have been
    around the block…. but, you got some cats who dont play according to Hoyle …. they can go deep on you in a NY
    minute…. and leave you on the high side with no way to go…. just how deep is your funk…… yeah. I care.. deeply..

    • Around the block or not, my own life is being managed by a Someone in whom I have, perforce, absolute trust. He’s guided me through insane shit even before I realized what he was doing. Now that we’re on speaking terms…..I leave it to Him to manage the details.

      Peace

      Mo

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  24. YES. THIS.

    I’m a six foot tall, 200 pound female switch who’s all bone and muscle (and, okay, a bit of fat, too), and still, I’m not all that impressed if all you are is a man who can hurt me.

    Now, if you’re a man who can make me want you to hurt me…that’s something different.

    Thanks for this post.
    .-= Delilah Wood´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Monday Advice: A Sad Day =-.

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