Jan 142010
 

Thick skin yet sensitive.

Ably shielded yet vulnerable.

How the fuck are we supposed to function as people, and as submissive people, yet remain vulnerable enough to let others see who we can be when we are in that headspace?

These days, I have brief, rare, small glimpses into being submissive. But the rough lumpish truth is that I haven’t had a D/S exchange of depth, duration and valid reciprocity in years.

Not just a few years.

Many years.

I had a recent epiphany, based on one of those “Instantaneous Downloads Of a Metric Fuckton Of Information” that I do so love.

And by “I do so love” I really mean “Fuck this bullshit.”

I have a bit of a problem.

I don’t “read as submissive.” And this is really beyond the superficial behaviors that one might expect to see a submissive type performing. I’m not talking about my tendency to not tremble delicately with downcast eyes and heaving breasts.

I’m talking about the fact that I am NOT an organic 360° 24/7 submissive-to-the-planet.

There, I’ve said it.

I don’t walk submissive. I walk Mollena. Mollena has a certain biochemical reaction to certain people and under certain circumstances that shifts her over to Dante’s Inferno (Level II) Submission. But she doesn’t walk that way, because that shit would be fucking nuts.

OK, shit, that was all in the third person. Enough of that. Next thing I’ll be looking for a master in Gorean chat rooms.

I feel like my recent experience is pointing me in the uncharming direction of making sweeping generalizations. But here goes: people are often emotionally lazy.

Amongst the BDSM crowd, we are lazy when it comes to getting to know people. We have postures, labels, clothes, jewelry, hankies, flags, speech patterns and complex and stupid traditions of capitalizing P/pronouns so that W/we can Identify O/one A/another.

All this is to say, we are often a bunch-o-lazyfucks when it comes to reading people.

In my case, being who I am and looking for a dominant partner, I have my own laziness to overcome.  I don’t want to have to coax you out of the Dominant Bunny Cave of Cærbannog, out  into the clearing, and quietly and gently feed you the tender delicate shoots of my submission like fucking Bambi.

I want them to somehow KNOW it is their “right” to grab me by the throat and throw me up against a wall, knee into crotch, blinding slaps to the face and take me DOWN within moments.

What? Hey, it has happened.

Did I mention I’ve had the bar-set rather high since the beginning?

Dominants can be real lazy about reading people.  They want you to throw themselves at their feet and lick their boots in order to clue them in that you’re even interested. This isn’t for no reason…they don’t want their egos potentially smushed any more than any other sensitive human. And I get that.

Where I think that I am floundering is that I may well seem to be self sufficient and not needing of the support ecosystem and symbiotic parasitism that a D/S relationship can create.  We all need to feel needed, right? Is it that I don’t project that need everywhere and could that be the reason I’m not reading as submissive?

Well, if that is true, that sucks. I know so many submissive and slave–oriented folks who do very well, thank you, and are NOT wee emotional creepers needing the strong spreading redwood dominant upon which they may cling and depend.

Ghrzz…this is rambly. But I have to pull it out, even in this crippled first-trimester form.

I was at a BDSM event, and presenting. Someone known to me, a dominant type, interjected themselves in to a conversation I was having. They weren’t rude about it; it was one of those organic “melding into a convo you pass by” kinds of things. However, I quickly noticed that this person didn’t really acknowledge my presence, say hi, or address me directly. Now, usually I introduce myself and say “I believe we’ve met…?”  and reassess that social connectivity in order to keep the conversation moving. In this case, I wanted to see what they would do. And what they did was to keep talking to the people with whom I’d been conversing, without saying anything to me directly. I wasn’t upset, just bemused.  Of course, this was immediately ruffled through the mental card catalogue (yeh, I’m fucking old) and compared to other situations where I’ve been pretty much ignored by dominant types in varying social situations.

Are they all being assholes? Possibly. But some of them are partners of friends, some of them are colleagues, and some of them turn out to be cool people.

But I’m thinking that I don’t bleed submission. I don’t give them that hot fresh bloodscent they are looking for.  SO, I’m invisible? Uninteresting? Less desirable?

Maybe that is as it should be. Maybe I’m just the kind of prey who needs to be run and bled before you can pick up the sense of submission.

*snort*

Or something.

Meh.

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  40 Responses to “Bad Submissive.”

  1. Do you sometimes wonder if there’s a limit to knowing yourself well enough? Maybe that’s where the problem is? Most Doms don’t feel you have anything YOU need THEM for? You have yourself fairly well sorted out so in some convoluted way that makes you intimidating to them.
    ~Laughing~ Maybe you should practice your “trembling with downcast lashes” look? Just teasing hon. Don’t be too hard on yourself. The thing is if you don’t know yourself you wont know what you DO need and you wont be able to recognize it when it does come along. Remember that this lack of self-knowledge is what gets us subs into relationship problems and problem relationships to start with. I think you just need a particularly strong Dominant who knows himself and is as confident in his self-knowledge as you are in yours. And that lovely lady, is EXTREMELY rare. Just as you are ~smile~

  2. Oh P.S. love love the Monty Python reference! MP rox!!

  3. Once again, I think you hit the nail on the head. The Laziness I sometimes see in BDSM culture is overwhelming. It is often as if the risk of getting to know someone who may not exactly fit your Kinky Puzzle Piece is simply not worth it. That is definitely not the case as I have gotten to know fellow kinksters who don’t match my needs at all yet are fantastic people that I want to spend *Gasp* Non-play time with.
    .-= Saynine´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Anatomy of a Mindfuck =-.

    • Exactly. And I understand the desire to skate past those who aren’t dating material if that is what one is seeking…but you know, people, feelings and situations change. It isn’t always smart to bypass people just because you aren’t gonna hook up. I sometimes wonder if that is what keeps the single ones single” people making assumptions that simply rent accurate.

      xoxo

      Mo
      .-= mollena´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Ask The Negress: Q & A. To the submissives… =-.

  4. Flat out that behavior is beyond rude, I have three rules for the people I allow in my life. No Crazies. No Dicks. No Liars.

    By crazies I mean people who ding my your bat shit crazy stalker type, I had my fill no more.

    Okay having a penis in your pants does not mean we can’t have a relationship, being a dick is another mater.

    Again, I have had enough of that shit to.

  5. You know, I think The Laziness is pretty much everywhere, unfortunately. I don’t have enough experience in the wider BDSM community to verify what you’ve observed, but I know human nature fairly well, and I have no trouble seeing the truth in what you’re saying. We all use shortcuts on occasion, but if that’s all we do, we’re missing all the complexity and diversity that exists in any community.

    And this line just fucking slayed me “gently feed you the tender delicate shoots of my submission like fucking Bambi.”

    Damn, I love the way you crystallize things and present them in a humorous, honest, geek-infused way. You’re pretty awesome, don’t let the lazies make you think otherwise.
    .-= Kyle´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Half-Nekkid Thursday: gear bags =-.
    .-= Kyle´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Half-Nekkid Thursday: gear bags =-.

  6. I identify as switch. To me, it’s insulting for someone to just expect me to submit. Yet total subjugation is where I want to be. Once there, I can bathe in the glorious total submission and serve obediently. But it’s still something that has to be maintained. If I try to reassert my dominant side that needs to be harshly dealt with.

    I’m confusing to read, as I do not wish to display my submissive side to anyone who has not forced it out of me. I, too, would get angry with anyone outside a relationship disrespecting me.

    I try not to get too caught up with all these labels, because actually I think we’re all different blends of dominant, submissive, sadistic and masochistic (terms I also take issue with). I think many people avoid identifying as switch because they think others will assume they’re not a ‘proper’ submissive. That’s totally unfounded. The intensity of submission and openness to – even need for – physical and mental trial is, I would argue, far greater than with someone for whom submission is their natural state.

    So maybe you’re a switch…

    • I can’t reverse-engineer myself inot switchiness because of the way my personality beads. I have vanishingly minimal desire to run the lives or control panel of another human, and i almost never click sexually with other submissives. I don’t assert dominance against someone to whom I’ve submitted. When I feel that coming on, I have to let them know something is amiss…it really is the only way to keep the communication open, etc!

      Peace

      Mo
      .-= mollena´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Ask The Negress: Q & A. To the submissives… =-.

      • Maybe your alarm bells if you start to assert dominance in a relationship are down to a rationalised attitude as to what submission should be. In the canine world, the bitch who’s getting in the mood will start gently biting, not because she actually wants to dominate but because she wants to be forced into submission. How about an experiment where you switch off that alarm and go with your instincts. If you feel a desire to dominate then try it. If your partner is what you seek, s/he will come down on you like a ton of bricks and your tail will be wagging for a month. :p

  7. I don’t want to be an arse to you Mollena (seems like you get a lot of that), but I’ve got to ask: isn’t it equally lazy to expect someone to “read” you straight off the bat so that you don’t have to spend time explaining yourself?

    Apologies if I’ve misunderstood what you’re saying, but it does seem like you’re setting the bar too high if you know that you don’t cue as submissive, but expect to be read that way anyway. High enough to ensure you’re going to spend a lot of time alone – even though that doesn’t sound like what you want.

    I had one guy “read” me for who I am straight off the bat – once, and only once in my life thus far. He knew me before I was ready to know myself. Which was great (although something of a waste, since I was clueless and didn’t take advantage of the situation)…but he was also the most perceptive person I’ve ever met. How can I expect everyone else to be that perceptive? I can’t. I don’t tend to socially cue as what I identify with sexually, so I’m probably going to spend a lot of time getting misread and having to explain myself. But what the hell, I have enough obstacles to finding someone without making more for myself, you know?

    Also, the tendency for dommish people (who are otherwise not jerks…?) to ignore you is odd. Maybe they do find you intimidating. Next time it happens, why not ask the person directly what the heck is up?

    Cheers.
    .-= Bean´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Shall I Tell You What I Think of You? =-.
    .-= Bean´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Shall I Tell You What I Think of You? =-.

    • I don’t expect that…however. If someone has taken ANY TIME AT ALL to learn about me, in terms of approach, they should know I am a submissive.

      And even if they have met me sight unseen, and don’t know anything about me, they are one question away from knowing my bent. One. “Are you a top bottom slave sub, what’s your deal, anyway?” is a totally acceptable query and preferable to assuming that shit, really. And I am not a tough person to approach and ask questions.

      I can’t ask everyone who talks to me if they find me intimidating. That would be creepy and presumptuous, really! :-) But as I mentioned, generally I do redirect those inquiries. In this instance, by letting it ride, I was able to pull together a thread of memory that helped me realize some interesting trends, though.
      Thanks for reading :-)

      ~Mo
      .-= mollena´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Ask The Negress: Q & A. To the submissives… =-.

  8. Oh, you even called it your own laziness. *sighs* My bad. I really shouldn’t post things at this hour.

  9. Can you explain the difference in “reading people” and “wanting partners to be mind readers?”

    The line: “I want them to somehow KNOW it is their “right” to grab me by the throat and throw me up against a wall, knee into crotch, blinding slaps to the face and take me DOWN within moments.” seems a lot like mindreading.
    .-= StacyCat´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Objectification =-.
    .-= StacyCat´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Objectification =-.

    • Either approach can give people knowledge. The people I have encountered who “got me” immediately have, in the aftermath, when I was able to ask them, have all described a mix of instinct, the reading of body language and the willingness to take that risk as parts of making their assessment.

      A lot of BDSM IS mindreading. A lot of mindreading is seeing how the mind impacts the body and grabbing those signals. I do not expect random strangers to always know everything about me at jump. But I have certainly had encounters with new partners and well-tested partners when they reached into my and grabbed exactly the right thing and played it.

      I do not EXPECT that flawless connection. But I HAVE experienced, it, and I cherish those memories. While I don’t expect it, I relish it and acknowledge its existence.

      Thanks for the question

      Peace

      Mo
      .-= mollena´s most recent blog moment of Zen on the net was…Ask The Negress: Q & A. To the submissives… =-.

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  31. wow cheers for this just posting on my twitter now.

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