I am moved today to give thanks.
Thank you to the people who support me, who have the bravery to be my friends. Thank you to the people who listen to me, and thank you to the people who offer their homes, their support, and their help. Thank you to the people who, by their behaviour, show me exactly the sort of human I never, ever wish to be. Thank you to the people who show me love and thank you to the people who fail to back me up when push comes to shove. Thank you to the abysmal communicators, and to the people who speak to me clearly and with compassionate honesty. Thank you to the people who take the time toÂ see me and thank you to the people who ignore my intention in favor of coddling their own fears.
Thank you to those who cherish and love me, and thank you to those who challenge me to cherish and love myself.
I am moved today to kick ass.
I realized on waking this morning, after a conversation with TheDominantGuy last night, that I have spent a long time waiting. Waiting to “Arrive.” Waiting for acknowledgement. Waiting to have permission to sayÂ “Yes, I’m worthy. Yes, I shine. Yeah, I fucking kick ass, and I’m not going to hide that under a bushel barrel.” I have confused confidence with arrogance only in myself. And in my effort to remain humble? I shuttered my light for fear of what people might think.
I recently had a reminder of what happens when you worry about what people think. I was reminded again that living a life where one worries about the thoughts of others is a life spent scrambling up a sand dune of shifting opinions. I’d rather keep my feet on MY path than let others, others who do not have my best interests at heart, call the shots.
The best thing I can do to walk with integrity is to NOT BACK DOWN from who I am. Even the parts of myself that might not be palatable to others. ESPECIALLY those parts. Those parts are often the rough diamonds. I need them even MORE than I need the smooth shiny sparky “presentable” parts. They are what keep me fierce and grounded when the road becomes rough and bumpy in the night.
I tend to sit in my head some days and fret about how others see me. Even though my CORE knows no shame, I still occasionally get stung on the nose a bit by others. Hey, I’m still human. But my gut? My core? Man, I wish I could pull it out and show you. It is beautiful. And it is from there that I live.
SO, I’ve been challenged. I have been challenged to not only see myself, my light, my positivity, reflected in others, but to acknowledge it, and live in it. I’ve been challenged to take my rightful place at the table, wherever that table is set. I’ve had laid before me the gauntlet of moving with a fearless confidence. Ofknowing who I am, knowing what I am worth. Even as I walk, I grow into this space, into this knowledge.
I accept this challenge as the permission I’ve been waiting for. And I hereby forgive myself for needing. For needing to hear it, for needing an outside Force to push me there. For being afraid of my own power. Because, frankly That[s how fucking bad ass it is. ItÂ IS formidable. But now, I have this challenge, you see. I absolutely cannot half-step.
And I forgive myself for needing that challenge, that permission, in order to take that step.
The idea that I had to do this all alone, that I had to be independent, has hampered me in the past. I forgive myself for that, too.
Because I need. I need you, the person reading this, to see me. I need my friends, family and Family to accept me. I need to find my strength to walk my own fucking path. I need to respect my fierceness, and my submission.
I need to respect that IÂ need. I need to write, to perform, to think, to grow. I need to be heard, I need to teach and share, and to Listen. I need to serve, to be owned, to trust someone with my life. I need to be fucking magnificent, and to shock people with my badassery, toÂ shine.
And I need to beÂ PROUD ofÂ ALL of these things.
I’m a little bit all over the map, I know. But I need t get this out without fretting about how itÂ seems to others. I know what I mean ;-)
Thank you for reading.
And thank you. For being.