I want.
I want to be…
Pleasing
Well-behaved
and
obedient.
I want to be pliant, compliant.
The empty vessel.
I want to be everything all of the time. I want to be sure-footed, confident. I want to be…perfect.
Problem is…
…my demon says, chewing thoughtfully on her paw her teeth gleaming with idiot malice…
…the thing is, you are fucking this up. Again.
I want her silenced but I hold my tongue because she has a wisdom that is often covered in shit.
All that is about what you want. And none of that has to do with what HE wants.
You’re not much of a slave, are you? Putting your wants first like that.
I take a deep breath.
Yeah. OK.
What does he want?
The list dwindles down. The panicky pile of impossibility is blown back by a quiet murmur, because…I do.
Think. Too much.
Another breath.
What. Does. He. Want?
It rolls back to one word.
When I remove my wants and I take myself out of this equation suddenly it resolves itself. No struggle.
What he wants is?
Me.
He wants me.
In my imperfections, joy, wild thoughts, brilliance. Shining howling bleeding pain-wracked, neurotic, human, divine and shot through with entire universes of spirit.
A third breath.
I tentatively let go of my wants, just for a moment. Taste it. I let go and ask “What happens if I put my wants within his?”
What happens is a focus so simple nothing seems impossible.
He. Wants. Me.
My demon blinks and sighs.
SO what? So now you finally figure that shit out even though he’s been saying it for months. Congrats. The Nobel Committee are on the way over to deliver you a freshly baked fuckin’ cookie. So now what. Now. Now what do you want?
I smile.
Elevated.
I want to be me.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by C.A.Sizemore, Lee Harrington. Lee Harrington said: Elegant, eloquent http://www.mollena.com/2011/01/i-want/ Thank you Mollena, for yet again facing the beauty of it all [...]
Pingback by Tweets that mention The Perverted Negress » I want. -- Topsy.com — January 29, 2011 @ 4:44 am
my lovely girl, now you are starting to get it. When you align your will with the energy of that which is happening, those important things become crystal clear; therefore comprehensible and subsequently obtainable. The things that don’t matter and obfuscate the issues fall away. Continue to break it down to the simplest of “what is.” You will find what you need there. Understand?
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mollena Reply:
January 29th, 2011 at 11:29 am
Your patience, humor and your pleasure in our process feeds my desire to continue.
Yes, sir, I do understand. And it is the most delicious of understandings!
Also, you are awesome.
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Comment by TDG — January 29, 2011 @ 7:06 am
Wow.
I really really loved that. A great personal piece but also great writing.
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Comment by Scarlet Dee — February 3, 2011 @ 10:44 am
Thank you so much for posting this. I hear you, I feel this. I sent it to my Wolf and she said “This is beautiful. I want you.”
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Comment by Tillie/Estrellada — February 11, 2011 @ 1:23 am