(For the record: I do not use / identify with the euphemism BBW (Big Beautiful Woman). I respect those who do, it just isn’t my choice.
“Large,” “Plus-Sized,” “Big” are terms I occasionally use. For me, I prefer fat.)
I am, unsurprisingly, ambivalent about it.
There isn’t a whole lot of acceptance around fatness today in the US.
And then, I’m kinky.
Oh, AND Black.
Today we will just rant about being fat and kinky.
I came into the BDSM community, saw people all shapes sizes and body types in the Dungeon.
I thought “Oh wow! Fantastic! A place where your body type doesn’t matter, where you are accepted for who you are, and no one judges you!”
I started paying more attention to kinky porn. The models are still slender.
I look at photographs. Tough to find someone not unsvelte.
So then I think “Well, that is still mainstream, right? It ain’t like Skin Two is gonna put fat people in there, they are pretty mainstreamy…”
Then I started going to kink events. Watching classes. Seeing that almost all of the demo bottoms are petite.
The rope people claim to need slender models because it is easier to work with them. You also hear it is tougher to find fat demo models because they are less likely to volunteer. The bondage gear people hide behind the “equipment limitation” issue.
And so on.
And so on.
I recently saw a post on FetLife calling for demo bottoms. Since this was for an event I’m attending, I was eager to volunteer. Then I read the post. The instructor specifically asked for slender models, because (and I am paraphrasing a bit) fuller-figured people’s skin doesn’t clamp / pinch easily.
I was really angry. And a bit stung.
Then I stopped myself.
How the fuck do we, an alternative outlier community, fail to see that all people being represented is far better then some people being represented?
Then I sat there pinching myself.
I found it was pretty easy to grab skin on some areas, tougher on others. I imagine that to be the case with anyone.
To my jaundiced eye, this smacked of “Look, I don’t wanna play with fat girls so I’ll say something about how it is critical for the class so that I don’t have to reject a bunch of fat people.”
I’m fuming, thinking “So…your class is on “playing with thin people”? You are specifically EXCLUDING an entire class of folks because of their size? What happens to the person in class who is fat, has a fat partner, or might play with a fat person? You have no info for them? Why not have a few demo bottoms? Why not just put your your fucking call for bottoms and pick who you want without being so OBVIOUSLY exclusionary? What if you were teaching a goddanmed class and said “No brown skinned people because the marks don’t show up as well on dark people.” ?!?!”
But then…I didn’t say anything. Because I thought I was being hypersensitive.
Now, I wish I had.
If I run into this person at Beyond Leather, I will ask them about this situation.
I’m willing to bet they will stick to their assertion that it isn’t prejudice, that it really is just utility!
And my response would be, “No.” As an instructor, as a representative of “Our Community,” you have an obligation to educate. Not titillate. That is for the dungeon. We are responsible for helping people play safely and well. How does limiting your pool of demo bottoms further this?
I have to check myself, though.
The BDSM community is no different that the world at large, really. It just has that self-segregating aspect to it.
It is a microcosm. Not a utopia.
When BDSM porn producers consider a size 12 woman to be a “large” model, we haven’t made any strides towards inclusion.
The few classes I have seen that SPECIFICALLY include fat people and kink tend to approach it as an “issue to be “addressed”
I don’t have a fucking issue.
I’m just fat.
And I want to be seen.
I don’t want to be fetishized for being fat.
I don’t want to be beautiful in spite of being fat.
I don’t want to be beautiful because I am fat.
And I sure as hell do not want fat people sidelined and marginalized because we aren’t in your goddamned fetish magazines being held up as the ideal because we aren’t slender.
As beautiful as anyone can be, I want to be.
Years ago I had a lover grab hold of my belly during a fuck. I, of course, instinctively elbowed him in the ribcage and hollered for him to stop grabbing my fat. It made me uncomfortable. I didn’t want him bringing attention to it. Being him, he smacked my hand away and grabbed me with BOTH hands this time and continued to fuck me.
“I like it. So shut up.”
Yeah I did.
Having been the fat girl that some men have “gone outside of their physical ideal” for, I am kind of tired of hearing “Oh but you are so intelligent, so beautiful, we have such amazing chemistry” and having them OVERLOOKING my size.
That is a lot to overlook.
I don’t need for everyone on earth to think that fat girls are sexy, but I do need for my chosen family, the BDSM community, to take a look at our lock-stepping with mainstream ideas about beauty and own that shit.
Only then will it be OK for fat people to step forward and let ourselves be seen as part of the whole, and not set apart.
These photos in this post are from a photographer I’m looking forward to working with soon. The reason I chose to work with him is that he selects his subjects based on who he thinks is hot. He had lots of women of varied body types in his photography. You can see examples here.
But for this post I chose the beautiful ones with bodies that look like mine.
Because I needed to remember that I am beautiful.
And I WILL fucking be seen.